In other news, the Laws of Gravity have been struck down by the Supreme Court as being unconstitutional. In a 4 to 3 decision, Justice Anthony Kennedy writes for the majority affirming the right to fly off into the upper atmosphere if necessary.
Meantime, a night blooming jasmine flower will make a guest appearance on The Today Show, becoming the first jasmine to do so. When asked why she had chosen to blossom during the day, she said, “I’m your best kept secret but don’t try keeping me in the dark. I make my own scents!”
In other other news the Bayer Corporation has bought Monsanto and made arrangements to offer free aspirin to sick bees, if they can just teach the bees how to swallow it.
Still some other news, the problem of too many plastic shopping bags in the oceans has been solved by a Japanese entrepreneur. He has engineered a way for ocean fish to swim into the shopping bags. Shoppers then stand on the beach with their right hand in the air and wait for the next tsunami. Dinner is delivered.
In grant research news, the fellows at the NRA have made research grants available for scientists who want to develop smart bullets. “Responsibility should fall to the bullet,” said a spokesperson. “There is no reason we can’t manufacture a bullet that can sense it’s headed towards a third grader in Mrs. Reed’s class, not a four point buck; then engineer it to stop, have a cup of coffee, maybe catch up on social media, until a real four point buck decides it needs to learn to read and then BLAM continues its trajectory and slaughters that baby.”
Today President Trump fired long-time ally and friend Donald Trump. This unexpected ouster was roundly criticized by Democrats, while members of his own party cheered. “How can he fire himself when he was not duly elected,” claimed presidential candidate Amy Klobucher, “there is a process for these things.” Leading psychologists on the other hand felt the move would help heal his split personality and allow him to gain a more authentic self on the campaign trail. Trump campaign sources, off the record, hinted that this could give Trump the edge in the 2020 election. This way, when one of them is impeached, the other can still run for president.
And in news about the news, everything you read is not about you, you just think it is. Use that. Read with your brain, your heart, your soul. If you think it’s fake, it’s fake. Move on. Don’t get your panties in a twist.
News about bus companies is always boring but here’s a little spice: Tardy Bus Systems, Inc., when faced with the problem of consistently late buses, has decided to inseminate them with Dumbo sperm. We’ll check back in 22 months.
Now news of the Other. They’re out there. They want blood. They’re a Stephen King novel. Or so politicians, who have something to gain, would have you think. however, contrary to popular belief, like you, they live on planet Earth. And every one of them has a heart and a family and a story to tell. Listen.