The Sock Report


Socks are down, due to overexertion while commuting. The dark green ones that somehow go with everything brown are losing ground, victims of a cheap weave and their dollar store ipo (inexpensively produced output). While navy blue sock futures have tripled because the ones I bought at Macy’s in 1998 finally gave up the ghost. The little elastic threads woven into the socks along the top band look like the spores of a rare mushroom have taken root. The long-term forecast is dismal. Even the ones without holes in the toes look like ancient support hose for burghers in a Brueghel painting.

A merger report reveals the depth of the problem. The whole drawer looks like a singles bar at closing time. Slowing demand for the electric blue socks I bought in 2000 when the Yankees won the world series has stifled productivity of proper mergers. News of a singles riot in the Northwest corner paired gains made by couples in the South. Gay Southern socks have been making incremental progress towards their ultimate goal of equal marriage.

However, the high visibility scandal of the Santa Claus sock’s televised faux marriage with an Ann Taylor ped has hurt the cause.

Brooks Brothers hit a three year high of four pairs of socks properly put together–no holes, no frays, no runs, no semen stains, no bad behavior of any kind, except excessive bounce causing undue flatulence. Although it might have been the pate and vanilla milk shake I had for lunch.

The drawer closed down after profit taking left socks lumpy and generally uncomfortable, particularly the wool which is making me sneeze and how a sock on your foot can reach your nose on a regular basis to cause it to sneeze is anybody’s guess.

Note: Whether you’re sock or hose you’ll find your match in the Thread Bare classifieds.

Here’s a sample.
SBS (Single Black Sock) with forest green stripe down both sides seeks sole mate. Loves stretching, Woolite and long walks in loafers.
ASS (Athletic Stretch Sock) seeks Victoria’s Secret fishnet for kinky runs. No support hose need apply.
WS (Woolen Sock) with old-fashioned values (slightly worn) looking for woolen gloves to share the winter with. Ask for Spud.


1 thought on “The Sock Report

  1. Thanks for improving my mood this morning. Concerned about this global issue on a local level, of course, but a good laugh heals all!

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