Since apps have become the spiritual gum of the universe, I feel it’s time for app designers to dig a little deeper in 2014. Let’s get beneath the surface of the video game and website rehashes we’re used to, and speak to some deep-seated human needs. Here are my choices for apps we will need in 2014.
Zip it Up – Senses that your fly is down and notifies you in a discreet way by playing “Fly Me to the Moon” quietly on your iPhone.
Politi-Zip – For male politicians who might have been good men if they could just keep their zippers up. Automatically locks your zipper in the up/closed position when a woman who is not your wife, with clothing covering less than 75% of her body comes in a radius of ten feet. Plays “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” quietly on your iPhone to keep you amused until the danger passes.
Napp – Throws up a sound screen of comforting white noise around you wherever you are, so you can take a nap.
Block that Tune – Turns any melody that’s been circling your brain more than five times an hour into dandruff. (App comes with year’s supply of Head and Shoulders to wash the offending melodies/dandruff away)
ZeitgApp – A rose-colored app that closes the gap between you and your daily negative societal influences. ZeitgApp searches for negativity in your universe and cuts it down to size. Comes with actual rose-colored 3D glasses for all media so what you experience is kinder, gentler and more value creative. Puts Miley’s tongue back in her mouth, turns to cranberry juice all bloody melodramas–mob, drug and otherwise. Your mother has been declared a terrorist organization? Just flip on ZeitgApp and she’s baking brownies.
Paranoid Goide – Tells you the name and Facebook page of the man who’s following you. If no one is following you, makes someone up so you can prove to friends that you’re not paranoid.
Shapeshifter Timedrifter – Fulfill your need to be anyone at any time. Is an Aztec Warrior in 1441 happier than you or not? Now you can find out.
Mea Culp App – Your iPhone says “You’re an asshole” in seven different languages when you feel you’ve done something stupid and your friends are afraid to tell you what it is.
Bad Cop App – Sends anonymous detailed e-mails to your enemies about exactly how screwed up they are so you can play the good cop and tell them it’s not so.
Carbon Footprint App – Uses sophisticated formula linked to a logarithm, linked to your car’s ignition, linked to your pulse. Estimates just how much damage you are doing to the planet at any one moment, instantly turns off any offending polluters under your control and shames you to your friends on Facebook.
Screw it App – Turns off Carbon Footprint App.
Beggar Beware – charts a route for you through the city which successfully skirts all locations where beggars are at work.
Beggar Where? – For the more compassionate, this app locates the beggars on your route and calculates how much money you’ll need if you are walking from Grand Central Station to Union Square, for instance, and you give $1 to each one.
Excuse Syndrome App – Makes any excuse you need to make for your failings into a syndrome, complete with fake records of clinical trials and medications to address the syndrome. Took the morning off to bet on the ponies and have to explain to your boss? Dial the app to MFBS (Missed my Fucking Bus Syndrome) and you’re home free.
ClapTrapApp – uninstalls every App on your iPhone and iPad and all software programs on your computer so you can start with a clean slate for 2014. Final pop-up window tells you the nearest place you can buy a pencil and notepad.