Intelligent Design

vectorstock_1694557Intelligent Design

My SmartAlarm woke me at 5:51am this morning and brought my SmartPants on a hangar. I was barely awake but ascertained that my SmartZipper still worked. I had not rusted it the night before by peeing backwards as I had previously feared. You must exist.

My SmartComb has a virus so I just ran my hands through my hair and looked fairly decent. Had a SmartDrink and a banana. Thank God (just kidding, I don’t even know your real name, but for now I’ll call you ‘God’). I recharged my SmartNapkin, but it was so buzzed it wiped two moles and an eyebrow completely off my face along with the remnants of breakfast.

Took out my iPhone and called iOwa. Mom answered. “It sure is a beautiful morning son, what are you up to,” she kvelled.  “Mom. Mom,” I said to her, holding my bleeding eyebrow, “do you have to talk so loud. It’s early.”

“Well, Mr. New York smartypants, excuse me. I just wondered if it was as nice there as it is here?”

“No. No. There! Are you happy? It will never be as nice here, because our IQ is too high!” I hung up depressed. True or not, there was no reason to yell at mom.

I tried the SmartApp on my iPhone. It told me that Creationism is not a verb. Hmmm. Am I missing something here?

That SmartDrink went right through me. Had a whiz. Got hungry and munched on SmartFood. Somehow, I felt a bit smarter. Take that Darwin!

Hit the streets in my SmartCar and ran one of those red lights that takes your picture if you go through it. Ouch. I may get a summons, but that’s okay; some summonses aren’t as smart as they think they are. Today neither am I.

In fact, I am daily haunted by the miserable fact of my own stupidity. Surrounded by things and people much more intelligent than myself (some of them carrying designer bags), I either bang my iPad repeatedly against my head or take photos. Neither of these activities seems particularly smart to me. Which only makes it worse.

The Buddha said that knowledge has its limits. And at the limits of knowledge, faith is wisdom.

I figure if I could just come up with good shit like this, people would think I’m smart too.

“English is not a language for suckers, nor is it a nocturnal biped.” How does that sound?

How about…

“Facts are just words that simulate meaning.”

Does that sound like something a smart person would say? How about a New Yorker?

My SmartPhone says You exist, You’d just rather be anonymous for awhile. Hey, welcome to New York.

Is that true? Are you more than a fourth generation computer chip? Sometimes I wonder which is smarter, my SmartPhone or a block of wood. This block of wood tells me he knows Your heart, but my SmartPhone thinks You’re Penelope Cruz and gives me stock closings. Is that a sign?

If this SmartCar were smart enough it would drive me where I need to go. But I don’t know where I need to go and neither does it. I bet God’s SmartCar would know. I bet, all things being considered, God’s SmartCar is smarter than most by design.

I just wish I could design my way out of this hole I’m in, but I’m not smart enough. I’m thinking of buying one of those SmartShovels though.

Whenever I am dating someone, my Mom asks, “Are they smart.” And I always say, “Yes Mom, smart enough to date me.” She always laughs and says, “Son! You know what I mean. Do they have brains?”

For someone who loves Jesus she sure is enamored of people with brains. You never see pictures of Jesus with brains. What you always see is this gross, anatomically correct heart busting out of His chest.

“See Mom,” I want to say. “It’s not about brains. It’s about heart. And my aorta looks just like His!”

At any rate, I’m at the mall now. My mother always wanted me to be a smart shopper and I’m putting my money on the Best Buy Blowout SmartSale. I hope I’m the first one in line. It sure is cold. Do you think it’s smart to stand out here with two people dressed as Eskimos just to be the first one to get into the store when it opens in three hours to buy a Smart TV?

Smart money’s on the Eskimos. My Smart app tells me there is only one wide screen Smart TV inside this store for the advertised price of $200 once the doors open. I’m going to have to either admit defeat or kill some Eskimos…or worst of all…share. But they seem like such nice Eskimos. And frankly, the stress of being smart has just about made me catatonic. Besides, they probably own aortas just like me and Jesus.

We could cut the SmartTV into three equal parts, or each take it for a week and then unplug it and give it to the next guy for the next week, but I don’t know how smart that is, or move in together…but then we’d have to agree on watching the same programs which could be tough.

I just don’t have the brains to figure this out; I wish I had more smarts, I wish I had gone to MIT, I wish I knew how to do logarithms, I wish Einstein liked greasy sliders as much as I do, I wish I had an IOU from Sergey Brin.

According to People Magazine, JP Morgan Chase, and the Constitution the world was created in one day–the day you were born. And it’s gonna die the same way.

On the day I was born the world was pretty near perfect because whether my Smart car has a GPS or not, God’s does. And like so many Americans, though God and I don’t always see eye to eye, I have this feeling that some day we’ll be traveling together. Probably after I’ve finished filming this major motion picture I’m starring in with Johnny Depp.

And when we do, He’ll lay it all out for me. He’ll point out the stars and other great places I’ve never been to and I’ll show him the mousetraps. And we’ll eat a box of Animal Crackers together, bite off the heads, and feel really superior and all.

And then it’ll be okay, because we won’t have to be so goddamned smart. We’ll just be. And that’s when he’ll share His secret with me:

He’s intelligent by God. I’m intelligent by design.

Apps for 2014

vectorstock_920968Since apps have become the spiritual gum of the universe, I feel it’s time for app designers to dig a little deeper in 2014. Let’s get beneath the surface of the video game and website rehashes we’re used to, and speak to some deep-seated human needs. Here are my choices for apps we will need in 2014.

Zip it Up  – Senses that your fly is down and notifies you in a discreet way by playing “Fly Me to the Moon” quietly on your iPhone.

Politi-Zip  – For male politicians who might have been good men if they could just keep their zippers up. Automatically locks your zipper in the up/closed position when a woman who is not your wife, with clothing covering less than 75% of her body comes in a radius of ten feet. Plays “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” quietly on your iPhone to keep you amused until the danger passes.

Napp – Throws up a sound screen of comforting white noise around you wherever you are, so you can take a nap.

Block that Tune – Turns any melody that’s been circling your brain more than five times an hour into dandruff. (App comes with year’s supply of Head and Shoulders to wash the offending melodies/dandruff away)

ZeitgApp – A rose-colored app that closes the gap between you and your daily negative societal influences. ZeitgApp searches for negativity in your universe and cuts it down to size. Comes with actual rose-colored 3D glasses for all media so what you experience is kinder, gentler and more value creative. Puts Miley’s tongue back in her mouth, turns to cranberry juice all bloody melodramas–mob, drug and otherwise. Your mother has been declared a terrorist organization? Just flip on ZeitgApp and she’s baking brownies.

Paranoid Goide – Tells you the name and Facebook page of the man who’s following you. If no one is following you, makes someone up so you can prove to friends that you’re not paranoid.

Shapeshifter Timedrifter – Fulfill your need to be anyone at any time. Is an Aztec Warrior in 1441 happier than you or not? Now you can find out.

Mea Culp App –  Your iPhone says “You’re an asshole” in seven different languages when you feel you’ve done something stupid and your friends are afraid to tell you what it is.

Bad Cop App – Sends anonymous detailed e-mails to your enemies about exactly how screwed up they are so you can play the good cop and tell them it’s not so.

Carbon Footprint App – Uses sophisticated formula linked to a logarithm, linked to your car’s ignition, linked to your pulse. Estimates just how much damage you are doing to the planet at any one moment, instantly turns off any offending polluters under your control and shames you to your friends on Facebook.

Screw it App – Turns off Carbon Footprint App.

Beggar Beware – charts a route for you through the city which successfully skirts all locations where beggars are at work.

Beggar Where? – For the more compassionate, this app locates the beggars on your route and calculates how much money you’ll need if you are walking from Grand Central Station to Union Square, for instance, and you give $1 to each one.

Excuse Syndrome App – Makes any excuse you need to make for your failings into a syndrome, complete with fake records of clinical trials and medications to address the syndrome. Took the morning off to bet on the ponies and have to explain to your boss? Dial the app to MFBS (Missed my Fucking Bus Syndrome) and you’re home free.

ClapTrapApp – uninstalls every App on your iPhone and iPad and all software programs on your computer so you can start with a clean slate for 2014. Final pop-up window tells you the nearest place you can buy a pencil and notepad.