Top Seven Ways to Prove You’re Seeking Answers Outside Yourself

1. You use the strategy of the shopping mall instead of the strategy of faith.

2. You start every sentence with “Please oh please oh please God, if you do this one thing for me I’ll be forever grateful.”

3. You decide the answer to life is Twinkies and you eat 300 to prove it.

4. You call your guru on Monday, your mother on Tuesday, your shrink on Wednesday, your zen meditation master on Thursday, and then say screw it and visit your bartender on Friday.

5. You think you see the devil in everyone but yourself.

6. You run faster and faster to succeed and find yourself more and more lost.

7. You tell off someone you love because you know they’re right.

Best Seven Ways to Slander the Present Moment

1. Worry about what is going to happen next year.
2. Hold your breath.
3. Look deeply into your iPhone. Very deeply. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. When I say the word ‘post’ you will follow my every command until Mark Zuckerberg snaps his fingers.
4. Think to yourself, of yourself, for yourself without dialogue or engagement with anyone else.
5. Plan the world’s greatest anything without doing any of the work or research.
6. Think that one day you will eat pie in the sky.
7. Blame your shoes for the faults of your feet