Celebrity Drugs

Liberace is the #1 prescribed FDA approved treatment for Ostentationism. Read the patient information leaflet before you start taking Liberace. Common side effects include: Inability to distinguish between heartfelt truth and show, candelabra abnormalities, grandstanding, high rhinestone counts, fur and feather inclinations, multiple rings and fifi fofo. Tell your doctor if you wake up one morning in bed with a gay assistant. Do not eat grapefruit or drink grapefruit juice while taking Liberace as fruitiness count may reach dangerous levels. Liberace may cause fertility problems in males.

Today I am living my new normal with Obama. Taken as directed Obama is an oral combination treatment for Political Prevarication or PP.  Obama attaches itself to human graft receptors and inhibits their greed, allowing thoughts from the heart to enter the bloodstream. Side effects include: quiet mind, subdued hair coloring, nuclear disarmament and peace in our time. To be taken before tweets, releases or intercourse with the news media of any kind or gender. Do not stop taking Obama unless your health care provider is elected to political office.

For post-media arousal issues. Taken as directed will increase the flaccidity in your bloodstream and get you down off that 24/7 news cycle ledge. Quiets world-is-ending syndrome and turns apocalypse into apocalypso. First jams, then transforms all news signals into nursery rhymes. Warning: The London Bridge is not falling down.

I’m living my best life with Zuckerberg. I feel so connected. I feel so depressed. I feel like I’m missing out on life. Everyone else is having so much fun. Chill out and take another Zuckerberg. None of these feelings will go away, but you won’t care because Karen has a new kitten.

Not feeling so human today? Thinking of being reborn as a porcupine and shooting poison quills at all those assholes? Take a pill. Pfizer can help you be human. Side effects: Loss of salary, loss of sanity, loss of reality, loss of integrity, loss of appetite, loss of expedient means, increased amounts of that floaty feeling for no good reason, just because.

Side Effect
You’ve taken the rest, now take the best! Side Effect has no health purpose whatsoever, but man does it deliver the side effects. Dizziness? You betcha. This is better than your garden variety nausea.  Bulbous nose? Yes sir. Bozo would be proud. Itchy and sensitive skin. You could write a book. It’s so good, it won an Oscar for Special Effects.

Isn’t it about time to ask your doctor about Time? Time delivers neuron clock abductors to your pre-frontal cortex inhibiting sequential relations and creating a time/space pharmacokinetic fantasia.  Not to be used in tandem with any other lifetime. May be used as a predictor of sunrise. Side effects include: late for work, don’t-give-a-shit-ism, I would have liked to be there but I had my own party going on, deadlines are for losers, and mudbaths.  Dosage: as much as you can take and get away with.

Appreciation Ointment
Are you one of a million sufferers living with these symptoms? Negativity, glass more than half empty in fact drained, hate the President, hate your family, hate yourself, hate that annoying little thing your co-worker does every fucking day when she gets to work, hate the basic cubiclivity of modern life, hate the world of assholes, hate? Directions: Smear on your soul nightly and pray. No side effects except greasy palms. Can be substituted for any placebo.

Ask your doctor or other health care professional for Appreciation Ointment, or just go to the store and get some olive oil. Studies have shown that Appreciation Ointment used in tandem with heroin is not advised and can lead to a kind of oily death, having said that you will go out like a stuck pig in a greased lightning contest.

Just take it and stop worrying so much.