OBSTACLE COURSE

Cowgirl (150dpi)

Cowgirl by Gina Freschet, 2006. Watercolor, ink, collage on paper. More at freschet.com

It’s blocking your way! It’s keeping you from your desired dreams! It’s really pissing you off! Relax, it’s just an obstacle.

They’re everywhere. They could be anything: rakes, people, diseases, rogue fence posts. Identifying them is half the battle. It could be worse. Some people can’t even identify when they are encountering obstacles until it’s too late.

Initially, Noah thought it was just a rainy month. President GW Bush declared the war was over. And has Lindsay Lohan hit ten rehab visits yet? Too many sunny days in a row without crab-like aliens landing and forcing you to eat egg foo yung at laser point can be dangerous.

Humans are lulled. Don’t be lulled. Never be lulled. Be aware. Be awake. Be on your guard. Take your obstacles seriously. Take your obstacle spectacles from the spectacle receptacle and put them on. And keep them on. What do you see? If your spectacles are working correctly, it should look like a meteor shower of all kinds of shit coming at you. Like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. Dangerous; but strangely satisfying.

Because when you really draw out the picture of your days, weeks, years — let’s face it, obstacles are everyday occurrences. You live in a permanent meteor shower, my friend. It’s just that human nature is such that once they’re past us, we forget they ever happened, and when they are in our face, more often than not, we are shocked and surprised that they’re there. Something in our make up wants to identify them as foreign, alien objects flying at light speed towards us, attacking our normal state, but they are not. They are as normal as breathing.

For instance, when you don’t vacuum your room for six weeks and the dust bunnies tower over your head while you’re trying to read Crime and Punishment, and you curse them for making you sneeze and try to ignore them but they’re throwing shadows on Raskolnikov, then you have manifested an obstacle.

Why don’t you just vacuum? This is not someone else’s obstacle. This is all yours. Maybe because your parents told you to clean your room and you’re not gonna! Or because there are no parents to tell you, so you eat pizza on the sofa and use the crusts, bent once in the middle, as boomerangs to try and knock the vase on the mantle into the empty six-pack case below.

I know the dust bunnies appear to be outside you, but let me tell you something. They’re  inside. Why would I argue that? Because the solution to solve them is inside you. Go find the vacuum and clean. Done. Obstacle resolved. Nothing to do but finish reading Dostoevsky and wait for the next obstacle to rear it’s pretty head. And yet something HAS changed. The challenge of man-eating dust bunnies has brought you to a new place. You have a new sense of accomplishment, a lighter step, a better view of yourself. You are now known amongst your friends as the Bunny Terminator. Get new business cards printed.

How to Turn Everyday Obstacles into Something to Really Cry About

So often no one sees your obstacles but you. This can be very dispiriting. Here are five rules to magnify your obstacles to such a size that anyone around you can see them.

1) Drama. This is a necessity. Without drama the world will never notice that you are going through a crisis, goddamnit! And the key to good drama is exaggeration. (Dust bunnies!? Don’t you see what I’m dealing with here? Manatee-sized dust bunnies!?)

2) Blame. A froth of finger-pointing is important to deflect any blame, if blame there be, from the affected party–you! Besides, it’s not your fault. It’s THEIR fault!

3) Negativity. Go crazy. Dig deep. Knock yourself out. This is the moment to release all that negativity you’ve been trying to hold back. Why do it now when you were being so positive? See 1 and 2.

4) Miscommunication. Blurt out half truths and innuendos that could be taken any number of ways. Maximizing miscommunication is the key to magnifying a good obstacle.

5) Screaming. This is crucial and it works every time, as it goes directly to the nerve impulses of the people around you, bypassing reason, and therefore is guaranteed to get you the attention you so desperately seek. It worked when you were two, why not when you’re 32? (Caution: Learn to deal with negative attention before starting.)

Follow these important rules and you can often turn one mundane little obstacle into several hundred. Nice going. You’re unlikely to reach your true comfort zone in this lifetime.

When You Like Obstacles Too Much Because They Give You the Reason to Complain

Obviously this a self-fulfilling prophesy. You are stuck my friend. You ain’t moving forward one inch, because you have designed the perfect system for not moving forward. Life didn’t do that. You’re clever brain did. But how to get out of this cage? My only advice for you is to take an action. Any action, really. It just needs to be something to get you out of the bubble you’re in. Go ahead, take the Greyhound bus to Dayton, Ohio.  Somewhere on that long trip, you’ll start to reason with yourself. “Why the hell am I going to Dayton, Ohio!? I can just as well buy gummy bears in Albany.” And you’ll take action to change course. It’s not the course, but the ACTION that will bring you to a new place. You may meet your soul mate on the bus and re-start life as a pool cleaner in Albany. Have new business cards printed.

When Obstacles are People

Ok. This happens all the time. Even though you are as shocked and surprised by these as you are by your karmic dust bunnies.

One sure sign that this is happening is when you feel your buttons being pushed.

“Back up Bertram!”

Oh wait. Bertram is my boss. If I tell him to back up, I may get fired. But why is he pushing my buttons? Doesn’t he understand that only abusive fathers are allowed to do that? He’s not my eff-ing father.

“Back up Bertram!”

Shit. I’m on probation.

My shrink says I have a deep-seated hatred of authority based on my father’s need to have me scrub inside bathroom drains with a mustache comb.  I tell him Bertram has no facial hair whatsoever. He asks if any other figure of authority other than my father ever pushed my buttons. I tell him only about 250 of them, my whole life. He tells me it’s not about Bertram, it’s about the obstacle of Bertram as he represents my past karmic relationship to my father. I tell him Bertram’s a shit stick and should have his nose hairs plucked until he screams “Mama.” He tells me that after the authority issue we’ll start on facial hair, and that the answer to dealing with this obstacle is not outside, it’s inside me. I’ve heard this somewhere before so I’m instantly suspicious of it, but have to admit that the other 250 authority figures I had problems with were shit sticks as well. And if I hadn’t allowed them to push my father karmic buttons I’d be better off than I am today.

Next day I bring Bertram a box of chocolates with Tabasco sauce centers. It turns out he doesn’t eat chocolate and neither do I. We have fun dropping them from his third story window and talk about my father’s nose hairs. It turns out he’s an orphan.

Love Your Obstacle

It is yours. All yours. Other people have obstacles that may be similar, but no one has obstacles like you do. Show some pride. Take responsibility. Those are some fine looking obstacles you have Mr. Jones.

Besides, ownership is the first step to awakening.

If you don’t claim them, you will all always be buffeted by them. It will be like playing dodge ball in a ping pong ball testing zone, blindfolded. “No sir. Those are not my obstacles. I never saw them before in my life. My obstacles wear condoms.”

The Upside

If you get used to not just obstacles, but the everyday flow of obstacles, you can relax. You can take off the Freddy hockey mask, rubber knee covers, umpire vest, ear plugs, nose plugs, protective eyewear, athletic cup (no, on second thought, better leave that on) steel toed shoes, and deflective ladle. Re-lax. Let them come. Bring them on. “Oh really world, is THAT the best obstacle you can throw at me today?” Money flows in and out of your life, why not obstacles?

In fact, the more you grit your teeth, hold your breath and become a paranoid Polly, the more you  hold onto obstacles. The more you hold on, the more you internalize…pretty soon you’ve got health problems. You swallowed your obstacle and you won’t spit it out. While you were doing all those things you wanted to do with your life if those obstacles would just leave you alone, you have become your obstacles.

Conclusion

Without obstacles you are nothing. A beached jellyfish. A couch potato on Soma. Your obstacles are your life–study them, treasure them, struggle, yes struggle, to understand why they’re in your life and not someone else’s, dialogue with them, spread them like mayonnaise on the ham sandwich of your soul. They are the yang to your ying. The pearl for your swine.

So treat them well. Take them for long walks on the beach. Introduce them to your friends. Treasure them as challenges, appreciate them as motivators, study them as ways to get from there to here, and finally get beyond them. Then set sail on that open sea of possibilities…where guess what?  You’ll be saying hello to your new obstacles.

Disaster Relief

Thrills (150dpi)

Thrills by Gina Freschet, water color and pencil on paper. http://www.freschet.com

Another natural disaster and we gather together, not as individuals but as a race, to work for Disaster Relief.  Rock stars Rock for Disaster Aid, TV and movie stars move mountains of red tape to do Visions of a Better Tomorrow Telethons, recording stars record songs with children – “We are the world,  we are consumers, buy us a donut.”

It is the positive actions that each of us take in the face of these enormous calamities that spell success for our race on this planet. People acting out their hearts, pitching in to rebuild, making communities strong and by extension the nation and the world.

But why are we only knee jerk, Good Samaritans after something terrible has happened? Like we can’t help our neighbors every day, but when their dog dies we’ll throw them a bone? Maybe we shouldn’t call it Disaster Relief. After all, how much relief can you get when Mother Nature chooses to turn your house into a permanent parking lot and your neighbor says he’ll help you out by parking his car there.  Maybe we should just cut the Good Samaritan act and call it Disaster RELEASE.

That’s a better description of what we need. Parties really; orgies, why not! To be released from the fears we’ve had, that our planet is angry with us; that it’s okay we didn’t recycle, didn’t treat our slaves better, didn’t pick up our garbage but sent it to Pago Pago on a barge instead—that the Industrial Revolution was actually a bit of a nightmare—planet-wise. It’s okay. Let’s move on from here. But only after we get some kegs and add a few more used condoms to shore up the beach front. Let’s Party! We need the release.

On the other hand if we call it Disaster Release Mother Nature might get the wrong idea and release yet another disaster on our poor heads. When do we pay for the party? When does the bill come due? When you wake up Sunday morning with a hell of a hangover do you seek for something deeper? Something more satisfying than another beer? Maybe we should be searching for that deeper thing. Maybe the action we need is MASTER Release.

Yes. Large televised judicial proceedings where we expunge our master complex and finally cede full control back to Mother Nature. We were just kidding. No really. Really!

We gather together around bon fires afterwards and chant it loud enough for Her to hear.  We’re not the master. Never were. Okay for a while there we thought we were pretty good.  I mean string theory is pretty advanced for cavemen, but really, you de boss. Next to the Grand Canyon and black holes, string theory is pretty silly, really. And that Bible thing. We’re really very sorry. Adam and Eve were supposed to have dominion WITH the animals in Eden, not OVER the animals. Oops. Typo. That’s what I’m saying, we took a left turn. We’re not as arrogant as we seem. We’re sorry. Honest. And we promise to give any dolphins left first crack at the new iPads, more fine wines for the winged creatures, and good wookie for any creature around that we haven’t already turned to BBQ.

On the other hand, once we’ve released our inner master complex with nothing else to replace it, not far down the road we’ll just be in this same predicament again. Plus, if we truly release our inner masters, gun sales will plummet. That’s not good for the economy. Alright. Forget about Master Release, we should call it Master BELIEF.

We must build our spiritual selves. We have too many people committing suicide because minimum wage workers forgot to put pickles on their Big Macs. Come on people. Stop using your heads. The brain is a drunken money. It is the heart that is important. A spiritual practice connects you to past, present and future. We’ve released our inner master back to God but that doesn’t mean we are just another animal on the hoof. We’re ready for the mirrors.

Our hearts are in the right place when we erect huge mirrors and line up and stand in front of them to look into our black and grievous souls and admit what Pogo knew fifty years ago and that that’s okay. The enemy may be us, but we are the world, we are the people, we like donuts.

The faster we believe our humble but mighty place in the universe, the better. If you believe, there’s no end to what we can accomplish. No longer in need of relief from Mother Nature’s hand, we realize we are Her, a part of Her universe.  We have met the enemy and She is us. We belong in a universe we can care deeply about because it’s where we live. And as my mother used to say, “You don’t shit where you eat.”

The things that feel good—ocean, sun on skin, hiking, commuter rail, Seinfeld reruns… are a natural function of our love. But perhaps we shouldn’t call it Master Belief. Yes we have to master it, but in this day and age it takes advertising to get the word out. Besides everything is faster today. If our mission is to master our belief in the universe we’ve been given as fast as possible and not fuck it up, then we’d better call it FASTER Belief. 

That’s right. Because we have to master it faster if we’re going to save ourselves. Faith is the key, humility is the action and now that we’re gonna master a belief system let’s talk about what we really need. Faster Belief. Let’s face it, there isn’t a lot of time left. It’s got to be deep. It’s got to be real, and I think MacDonald’s can teach us something. Let’s get on the stick before the next hurricane hits. Fast Faith. Drive through even.

Because Faster Belief leads to Faster RELIEF. We’re proactive here. Let’s raise money now for research on how to power our electric grid with orange seeds and pickles.  It’s not perfect but goddamn it, that’s why research is needed. Would you rather raise a billion dollars to research fusion energy from dill pickle slices or on bandaids and plywood to rebuild after the next hurricane? Because frankly forget about Disaster Relief, without Faster Master Release Belief, just like the ruins in Greece, all that will be left of our world and its people will be an ALABASTER Relief. 

Apps for 2014

vectorstock_920968Since apps have become the spiritual gum of the universe, I feel it’s time for app designers to dig a little deeper in 2014. Let’s get beneath the surface of the video game and website rehashes we’re used to, and speak to some deep-seated human needs. Here are my choices for apps we will need in 2014.

Zip it Up  – Senses that your fly is down and notifies you in a discreet way by playing “Fly Me to the Moon” quietly on your iPhone.

Politi-Zip  – For male politicians who might have been good men if they could just keep their zippers up. Automatically locks your zipper in the up/closed position when a woman who is not your wife, with clothing covering less than 75% of her body comes in a radius of ten feet. Plays “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” quietly on your iPhone to keep you amused until the danger passes.

Napp – Throws up a sound screen of comforting white noise around you wherever you are, so you can take a nap.

Block that Tune – Turns any melody that’s been circling your brain more than five times an hour into dandruff. (App comes with year’s supply of Head and Shoulders to wash the offending melodies/dandruff away)

ZeitgApp – A rose-colored app that closes the gap between you and your daily negative societal influences. ZeitgApp searches for negativity in your universe and cuts it down to size. Comes with actual rose-colored 3D glasses for all media so what you experience is kinder, gentler and more value creative. Puts Miley’s tongue back in her mouth, turns to cranberry juice all bloody melodramas–mob, drug and otherwise. Your mother has been declared a terrorist organization? Just flip on ZeitgApp and she’s baking brownies.

Paranoid Goide – Tells you the name and Facebook page of the man who’s following you. If no one is following you, makes someone up so you can prove to friends that you’re not paranoid.

Shapeshifter Timedrifter – Fulfill your need to be anyone at any time. Is an Aztec Warrior in 1441 happier than you or not? Now you can find out.

Mea Culp App –  Your iPhone says “You’re an asshole” in seven different languages when you feel you’ve done something stupid and your friends are afraid to tell you what it is.

Bad Cop App – Sends anonymous detailed e-mails to your enemies about exactly how screwed up they are so you can play the good cop and tell them it’s not so.

Carbon Footprint App – Uses sophisticated formula linked to a logarithm, linked to your car’s ignition, linked to your pulse. Estimates just how much damage you are doing to the planet at any one moment, instantly turns off any offending polluters under your control and shames you to your friends on Facebook.

Screw it App – Turns off Carbon Footprint App.

Beggar Beware – charts a route for you through the city which successfully skirts all locations where beggars are at work.

Beggar Where? – For the more compassionate, this app locates the beggars on your route and calculates how much money you’ll need if you are walking from Grand Central Station to Union Square, for instance, and you give $1 to each one.

Excuse Syndrome App – Makes any excuse you need to make for your failings into a syndrome, complete with fake records of clinical trials and medications to address the syndrome. Took the morning off to bet on the ponies and have to explain to your boss? Dial the app to MFBS (Missed my Fucking Bus Syndrome) and you’re home free.

ClapTrapApp – uninstalls every App on your iPhone and iPad and all software programs on your computer so you can start with a clean slate for 2014. Final pop-up window tells you the nearest place you can buy a pencil and notepad.

Santa Therapy

vectorstock_1576435It has been a difficult fall for my 8 year old daughter, Penny.  She developed a crush on her new third grade teacher, the first male teacher she has ever had, and then the school district saw fit to fire him. She was moved into a classroom with none of her friends from first and second grade. And she already has a tendency to cling to us and not want to do outside things. She is excellent in dance, acrobatics, dramatics, sports, but will take no extra-curricular classes in these, perhaps because she fears looking bad, even with her best friends. We encourage her play dates, but many times she would rather play with us.

She has very strong belief systems. She believes in fairies, magic, Buddhism and people. She is a very bright girl, and sometimes we feel we need a bit of outside intervention to help give us tools to deal with her. We had thought that maybe a shrink could help us or her, but that seemed rather radical. Which is why, it being December, I turned to Santa Claus. At the very least, Santa seemed like a good, cheap substitute.  She already knows, likes and believes in Santa. What could be the harm?

When we encouraged her to write out her usual Christmas wish list, she was afraid to ask for what she really wanted–afraid she had been bad this year, acting out and unhappy. “Maybe if you told him how tough this fall has been, he would understand,” I encouraged. Perhaps I should have considered the dangers of this approach, but when we walked into the mall with our long letter to Santa and there sat the same kindly Santa we had seen for the last few years, I thought it might be worth a try.

“Don’t hold back,” I said as we waited in line. “Santa wants to know everything about how difficult it has been to be good this year.” She clutched her letter and waited patiently.

When we got to the front of the line, Santa’s helper was trained to get the child’s name and then announce that child’s arrival to Santa.  “This is Penny, Santa. You remember her. She’s come to see you again.”

“Hello Penny,” said Santa. “How have you been?”

Before she could respond, the elf said, “Look over here Penny and give us a big smile.” And the photo exchange occurred.

Then things got serious.

I stood back and gave the two their space, hoping for the best.  The expressions I saw cross Penny’s face were priceless. I have never seen her look that way. An expression of deep humility I have never seen; a slight sense of shyness in showing her heart to Santa; but also an honesty and forthrightness, something shining in her eyes that told me that this could be an important moment.

After she had received her candy cane and goodbyes were exchanged, she walked over to me and I asked her how it had gone.

“Fine,” she said, closed-mouthed.

“Did you tell him what a tough time you’re having and how you hope it won’t affect what he brings you?”

“No, I forgot,” said Penny. “You should have reminded me.”

“Did you give him your list, at least,” I asked.

“Of course, Dad,” she said disgusted. “Didn’t you see him put it in his big bag?”

“Oh yeah. I guess I did see that. That’s it then. He’s going to bring you what you want?”

“Yep!”

The session was over. Whatever secrets were shared at the North Pole would stay at the North Pole.

Penny got exactly what she wanted for Christmas. Anything less would have been a crime of conscience. She also got better in the New Year. It may have been her visit to Santa, but I know I also tried to replicate the honest exchange she’d had with him, and the obvious care and attention to detail that Santa took with her.  He seemed so patient and caring.  The next time Penny had a meltdown I thought of Santa. What would Santa do?

I know Penny is already happier this year. More confident in herself. More willing to step up to the plate. Even more willing to talk things out and make promises she can keep. I owe it to Santa. The photo I have as remembrance says it all. She sits on her fat guru’s knee, waiting to dialogue about the world. “To Penny, Best wishes for a good year, Santa.”

That Dirty Little Word – Faith

vectorstock_1143724In 1966 Time Magazine wondered aloud, on one of the most famous covers of that era, Is God Dead?  The cover article said, “Making God relevant to an increasingly secular society is a difficult task because modern science has eliminated the need for religion to explain the natural world.”

“Eliminated the need.”

I was not fully cognizant in 1966–mostly because I was 13. But I can remember the gentle arrogance–America rising to meet every challenge, even God. It could all be explained.

No wonder so many dropped acid and experimented with drugs to alter their consciousness. When someone is telling you they know everything, though your conscious mind may agree, your subconscious is being held hostage.  Then the people who “knew everything” bombed Hanoi, broke into Democratic headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, and endorsed Hostess Twinkies as a healthy snack.

I didn’t really have a religious tradition to reject. My father had already done that. I had Mad Magazine instead. It was a wonderful Bible. It was predicated on the assumption that you could make fun of everything and that there was no subject that couldn’t be made to look stupid if you drew caustic pictures of it and made snarky comments–the Cold War, politics, movies, music and musicians, Madison Avenue and TV, the government, corporate American, religion.

Satire is a form based on arrogance–we could do that better. But it usually doesn’t present the better thing we could do, it just tears down the thing we shouldn’t be doing. So ultimately, no matter how much fun it is–and it is a lot of fun, for adolescents particularly–satire exists in the world as a negative. It doesn’t construct a whole lot of value. Mad taught me that you could cover anything in graffiti and it might even, on a good day, be considered Art. I used that knowledge to tear down or simply distrust parts of the world around me that I didn’t like, but I didn’t build anything in their place. So when the time came to make my way in the world, I didn’t believe in anything, except Art.

Art became my religion. It was perfect–individual creativity, expression, the font of Man’s greatness, the pluralistic notion that anyone can do a positive act and call it Art. And then there was the consciousness of people doing Art together–the theater. While everything else was going down the toilet for me, Art and theater flourished. It explained so much. It held such force of cultural dialogue. It was everything. I still believe in its importance. Making Art and the expression of Art from one human to another is a sacred trust.

Art speaks to grand conceptual arcs. It makes us contemplate, see the world in a new perspective. But it’s not faith. And after awhile I realized that my faith in myself, was faith in myself in Art only. It didn’t work so well on sprained ankles, week-long depressions or bitchy girlfriends.

In the meantime, all the other secularists of my generation who read Mad, hungrily consumed the latest movies and television, rocked out to the incredible rock and roll of the time and other faux faith activities that fed the moment, went out to claim their due. They harnessed what they’d been taught and poured their brain power into financial, scientific, medical, legal, governmental and perhaps most revolutionary of all, technological revolutions. Revolutionary successes of the conscious mind.

Given what faith our parents had in us, and the college bills they paid, we changed the world. And we did it on the power of our rational minds. We had faith and pride in what we were doing, so we didn’t need the other kind of Faith. And, as Americans, we had carte blanche and absolute power to create the world we wanted. In fact, America was a kind of Faith.  We created a conscious, rational world based on dollars and cents and I do not have a whole lot of time to read those nagging headlines thank you very much.

Environmental degradation, global warming, suicide rates, the war on, of and for drugs. Just outside our Coca Cola consciousness was a gestating monster. Yet still, at least for left-leaning coastal types, Faith has not been an option. Faith can be bought and sold, and is, on a daily basis. Don’t you remember what it said in Mad Magazine? And don’t forget that Jim Jones thing. So we’ve done without it. Or we substitute politics and a good piece of toast.

This    won’t     do.

Let’s get back to the basics. Faith is anything you believe in that supersedes the conscious mind. This is an important definition. The smarter we get, the more we know, the more we know the more we think we know, the more we think we know the more our conscious, rational mind rules the roost and the less we need Faith and its unconscious, irrational belief systems. Then a hurricane comes along or a lightning bolt hits our Prius and we scratch our heads and say why oh why has God forsaken us. Hmmm. Our notion of God has become extremely limited.

Transcendence is something which extends beyond the limits of ordinary experience.  Travel, good music, Art, good food–things which reach beyond our conscious minds are elementarily transcendent. But Faith is transcendent by its very nature. It gets you beyond your borders. And to do that, it has to be irrationally committed to. There is a saying that your mind is like a drunken monkey. It latches onto anything and everything and tries to make conscious sense out of it. You’ve got to get beyond that drunken primate…and into your heart. Time for Faith.

Like Dumbo’s magic feather. You remember. Dumbo thinks he can only fly when he is holding his magic feather in his trunk. His belief is transcendent; out of all boundaries. He’s an elephant and he’s flying for chrissake. How more irrational can you be? When he drops his magic feather he has to face himself and he does so with his friend Timothy the mouse’s help, and successfully transcends his belief in the feather and attaches that faith to himself. He believes he can fly and so he does.

It turns out this is not a fairy tale.

Faith is a chicken and egg proposition. In this day and age, when very few spiritual tools are given us when we come into the world (except iPads) we must reinvent faith one person at a time.

But how do you make that leap?  Here’s the real problem for us secular agnostics. We have no tools to jimmy ourselves out of our conscious/rational mind except drugs, alcohol and fishing. More than anything we need to believe and yet, hard as we squeeze it our feather’s just a feather. No lift-off.

What does it take to believe? What? Given that “modern science has eliminated the need.”

How about this? Fifteen years ago a senior level engineer from Hughes Aircraft with an IQ through the roof, who had one of the first computers he’d built in the Smithsonian and had helped to put a man on the moon told me, “there was a time when we thought all knowledge was knowable. Now we realize it’s experiential. Every piece of it we learn expands the universe of things that must be learned exponentially.”

That’s it. We’ll never know everything. Tell that to technology writer George Dyson who is quoted in this month’s Atlantic Magazine as saying, “I am a technological evolutionist. I view the universe as a phase-space of things that are possible, and we’re doing a random walk among them. Eventually we are going to fill the space of everything that is possible.”  Or here’s Robert Safian, the editor of Fast Company magazine in this month’s issue. “We have advanced so far as a culture that the sophistication of today’s data and machines is dwarfing capabilities that we marveled at just a few decades ago. Yet there remains so much knowledge to unlock, so many answers still ahead.”  Despite the facts, our arrogance still thinks it can know it all.

Here’s the truth. We can’t. We’ll never know everything.

There! I said it. Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and Sergey Brin together will never know everything. Ten million Bills and Alberts and Sergies will never know everything.

I myself am not ten million Bills and Sergeys and Alberts and neither are you (and for that matter neither are Albert, Bill or Sergey) so in the most conscious and rational way I can explain it, it’s time to believe.  Why is an electron both a particle and a wave?  Because. Why does dark matter fill the universe? Because.

Buddhism has an expression, “At the end of wisdom is faith.”

You can learn as much as you want and you can put that knowledge to work but you can never know everything. You need the wisdom of Faith. Once you’ve made that leap you’re half way there.

In fact, as long as you truly believe (and that’s the hard part) you can believe in anything. It turns out that it is faith that will save the world. Not their faith, but YOUR faith. And the more centered you are, the less likely you are to put your faith in guns or peanut butter, and the more likely you are to put your faith in unconscious things that will help build your world of enlightenment.

Here’s the problem with all of this–it takes work. Like we don’t already have enough to do. And another thing. You have to overcome Mad Magazine. I have watched friends of mine go towards the light of religion, and thought, oh dear, what can they be thinking. (Of course now that I understand faith I know they weren’t thinking). And then, I watched them slowly build mental health in a way that defied my expectations. Faith.

Then I was introduced to the world of Buddhism by my future wife. In a Buddhist world, despite what Time Magazine wondered in 1966, God can’t die unless the whole world is wiped out because you are God and so is that annoying fly. In addition, in Buddhism, when you think it’s about them, it isn’t. It’s about you.

Now even on the days I wake up faithless, I have tools. I now know enough to drag myself to the Gohonzon (an altar scroll that represents me in the universe) and chant. That seems to do it. Suddenly my ninth consciousness is cooking and the authentic me shines out, not that Mad fake that walks around looking down on people when I don’t chant.

Buddhism posits nine consciousnesses. Five senses and one brain to make sense of the input: that’s six. The seventh is your subconscious that tells us “Mom liked you best”, “Dad shouldn’t have always had that one last drink”, and “you let people piss on you seven days a week because you were brought up in a shack.”  It’s the circumstances of your self ego. I call the seventh consciousness the American Consciousness because if you’re stuck in that consciousness you feel alone against the world and should probably become an entrepreneur, start a business and date some babes.

The eighth consciousness is like being a Yankees fan.  You are part of something larger…a country, an ethnic group, your extended family of ancestors and living relatives…it was there before you, and it will go on after your death.  Parents at key moments have an understanding of this.

But the ninth consciousness is above all those. It is the understanding that we are all connected…all part of the same universe…like a fish swimming in water. It’s not a place you go in some ashram. It’s right with you all the time.

Today I am sick and yet I feel like I can explode the death ray star of all obstacles with my faith. This is scary. This kind of power. I’m still human. I’m still in my body. I’m still sick. But somehow my chanting trumps doubt. It says you can’t know it all, even though some part of you thinks you can. It says trust it. Trust this. This moment. It says look at me, I’ve been waiting a very long time in the shadows while your ego danced with pot and pills and booze and free love and rapture of all immediate kinds. But the world of now is more than high, it is also wisdom. And wisdom time is now if you will listen to it. To yourself. Just be and chant and listen to yourself. You know. You just don’t know you know. All enlightenment is inside you.

I now have faith tools. I can overcome anything. These are the tools my way too literal, conscious, rational, secular, autocrat of a mind can put to use. Enlightenment is the ninth consciousness, it is inside me, and faith is not a dirty word.

These Aren’t My Pants

vectorstock_1309895

They’re browner. And they don’t really reach my shoe tops. When I go like this, they do. But I’m not going to go like that all day. My posture is bad enough as it is.

It’s too bad because it’s late. I’m already at the bus stop and the bus is coming. Walk home to change pants at this point and my whole day is off. But then, so are these pants.

They’re a little tighter. The only brown belt I have goes one extra hole. They flare like a pair of pants I used to have that I never wore. They looked and felt great until you got out into the sunlight and you realized just how shit-colored they actually were. They needed just the right kind of anti-shit-colored shirt. And frankly, no such thing exists. So they hung in the closet and once in awhile in a blind grab I’d put them on by mistake and then stand there in the mirror wincing. Too shit colored.

But these aren’t those. These have a nice sheeny brown to them that I’ve never seen before. They wear nice, they’re just a touch short. Worse, they’re not mine. They are no doubt the product of reverse thievery. People I don’t know breaking into my house to hang pants in my closet.

Did I grow two inches overnight?

I may have simply reached that time of life my Uncle did. He’d see a great sale on coats and find this incredible full-length camel’s hair winter coat for half price just his size and run up to the cashier with that certain light in his eyes–can’t believe your luck!–that kind of light. And he’d purchase it at a great discount and take it home to hang it in his closet for next winter and discover that there were two exact replicas of that same camel’s hair coat, unworn and just bought from previous years, hanging there waiting for him to wear them. Or for the California winter to reach freezing. That’s the worse part, I think.  He grew up in Chicago but had lived in LA for 30 years. Maybe one day a year on a cold day he could wear a camel’s hair coat.

My mother was the opposite. She became a schlump in her old age. She had been a very handsome and well-dressed middle-aged lady, but she just got bored with it all–the stockings, the shoes (her collection rivaled Imelda Marcos’), the sleek dresses. She had a great figure ’til the day she died when it shrunk a little. But she reached an age where she just couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I think there was a freedom of sorts in this. The rules of ladyhood just didn’t apply to her anymore. For us though, it was a little disconcerting. One day, she went from Chanel to ripped jeans. Like that.

For me the rules still apply. I like getting dressed, looking nice at work. I don’t do it for others, I do it for me. I like picking a tie, a shirt, a pair of pants, socks, a sport coat. I like putting them all together until they make something of me. And that’s exactly the process I followed today, but these aren’t my pants.

I know what you’re thinking. Either this guy is crackers, why am I reading this, or this is too close to home I’d better check the tag on my underwear they’re feeling tight.

But wearing these pants feels wrong. I didn’t buy them, I’ve never seen them, I don’t know how they got in my closet. I’d never wear trousers without pleats. These are pleat-less. And there’s something yellow in my tan shoes that just doesn’t jibe with these bluish-brown pants. It feels like I’m in a clown show. Floppy shoes, a big polka dot tie. I might as well paint my face.

Every day is different they say. You’re never exactly the same person from day to day. But today’s me is wearing stupid pants.

So clearly, today’s me is just going to have to suck it up. Stay away from mirrors and reflective store windows and forget about the pants. It’s not about the pants. The day it becomes about the pants, you’re in trouble. No deep problem can get solved with pants. But geez these are ugly. They hang on me like a jib sail in the horse latitudes.

Look. I’m older now. I know the secret of hats. When I was younger I could never wear hats. Because I was always looking in the mirror, waiting for the hat to become cool on my head. It never did. So if it couldn’t become cool on my head in the mirror, I couldn’t make it become cool as I walked around town.

Now I know. The point of a cool hat is the jaunt. It’s spirit. It’s faith. It’s not “Am I cool?” as you walk the streets. It’s “Aren’t I cool. I am so effing cool. I define cool. Look at me.”

So that’s what I have to do with these pants. Pathetic choice that they are. Eschew mirrors. Believe in cool. Walk with a spring in my step like I’m fucking Donald Trump. And dare anyone to call them ugly. They’re not. They’re beautiful. Beautiful short brown pants without all those horrible pleats. I’m gorgeous. You don’t have to tell me how good I look. I know it. I own it. John Gielgud. Laurence Olivier…

But these aren’t my pants.

All You Need is Love*

vectorstock_1127365

Looking back after sixteen years of marriage to the same woman, I see now that love has gotten me to where I am today. I am a much stronger man than I was before, because of love—love-the word, love-the feeling, love-the idea, love-the romantic notion…love is the Styrofoam peanut of our existence. Without it the contents of our independent lives would bang together mercilessly. With it we are well-packed.

Clearly I am not the man I was a decade and a half ago. We use less words and we mean more, my spouse and I. We choose our words wisely so as not to push the other’s buttons involuntarily.  The Eskimos may have had hundreds of variations for the word ‘snow’. We’re the opposite. We have one word and we paste it everywhere. ‘Love’ is the common denominator.

“I love you.” (Translation: You have meaning for me, even if I don’t always love you.)

“I love YOU.” (Translation: I rarely love you, but thanks for being nice to me. So few are. I’m glad there’s someone who has to be or else.)

*                                                            *                                                       *

“Thank you for making my lunch this morning. I love that you stick notes in my sandwiches with toothpicks.” (But I don’t always get what they mean. For instance yesterday you punctured my bologna with “Consider alternate route”.)

“I love writing you notes that you don’t read until you’re at work.” (I’m watching you, pal. Don’t even think of looking twice at that new intern. I know you too well.)

*                                                            *                                                      *

“I love you.” (Thank you for taking the dog out.)

“I love YOU.” (It wasn’t my turn, but I respect the fact that whenever he has diarrhea, it’s automatically my turn.)

“You’re the best.” (Please wash your hands.)

*                                                            *                                                    *

“You’re the best.” (I’m glad we both work, because sometimes it’s easier to be in love with you from 30 miles distance than it is in person.)

“Thanks honey, you too.” (I agree. Sometimes when we’re home together, I’d prefer to get on the phone with you, because at least then you carry on one conversation instead of ignoring me in favor of tablecloths.)

“Can I get you breakfast?” (The table cloths are always dirty because you eat breakfast on them and have not yet figured out how to pour your milk without spilling it.)

“Thanks. I’d love some.” (That’s our seven-year-old, I pour milk perfectly well, thank you very much. Do you ever just break down and actually wash the damn thing?)

“Don’t give me that look.”

(Fuck you.)

*                                                          *                                                           *

“You look cute today.” (Is there sex in our future?)

“Thanks hon.” (Do you have your kneed pads?)

“I like your hair.” (I strained my left knee, could we try the bed for once?)

“Sure, thanks. You’re sweet.” (If  you make the bed first, get me a towel, find my pajamas, light a candle, warm the massage oil, put some music on, feed the dog, put the kids to sleep, help me print this out, fix my website and put insulation tape on the windows first.)

“I’ll be right back.”

*                                                             *                                                        *

“You’re my lover.” (I like what you do.)

“You’re my woman. We were meant to be. (No one else would put up with your shit.)

“Sweetheart.” (That’s funny, I was thinking the same thing.)

“Your smile turns me on.”

“You’re the single most important person in my life.” (Despite the fact that I don’t always love you.)

*                                                           *                                                         *

It is daily work simply understanding each other using so few words but somehow we’ve accomplished it. When nerves are unraveling we slap a sloppy coat of love on them and they ravel back up.

In addition to using love peanuts to pack away our problems, we’re currently deep at work on the cardboard box itself.  One of the biggest surprises of our marriage is that the great 70s philosopher Billy Joel was right. He said, “Blame it all on yourself, ’cause she’s always a woman to me.” This is truth.

We used to have enough cardboard construction between the two of us to start a small moving company. Now we have managed to lessen the number of walls we put up between us, down to one. Ourselves.  We used to encounter it constantly and think smugly, “Oh my God, what a jerk he/she is.” The Blame Game was simply too much fun and too easy to play.  Ahhhhh, there were some great blames in the old days. Record blames. Infamous blames. Blames of note. Not any more. Counter-intuitive though it might be, it turns out that what I see in her actually are MY shortcomings, and vice-versa.

Now when we come up against it, though it SEEMS to be the other person, we recognize it as our own karmic wall shaped EXACTLY like our spouse. Our response therefore has also changed. We no longer run at it fiercely with spears, throw bodies against it in a smack-down, or even, frankly, scale it. Sometimes we still run away screaming, but then with the full knowledge of 16 years of marriage, we creep back coweringly; wonderingly –“Could that really be me? It sure looks like her.”

And yet, as we look at the sorry state of some of the marriages around us, so many spouses are either still running head-long at a wall they think is the other person, or have not yet been able to develop our “crawl-back” ability. No wonder. It’s downright humiliating. Where divorce is rampant, perhaps we should consider ourselves lucky. On the other hand, those couples don’t have to wear knee pads 24/7.

The frisson of marriage is not acceptance of who she is, it’s acceptance of who you are. Once that’s done, Rumi is right, “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Our marriage is safe in a sturdy brown box with lots of bubble wrap for joy, peanuts for love, stamped, certified and addressed to the future. And here are the packing instructions…

– When she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, turn the mattress over.

– Never engage in a conversation that she begins with “You should…” (Simply smile and nod and make yourself a nice ham sandwich, you’ll need it.)

– Eschew prepared statements. Better to sincerely open your heart and just talk to her.

– Don’t cry. You’re supposed to be the strong one.

– Don’t whine, you’re not ten anymore. (Unless of course whining still works in which case, whine away, they deserve it.)

– Never let  a computer come between you and your spouse.  All computers are mirrors of human inadequacy. If we were meant to be that logical, we wouldn’t drink beer.

– Learn to listen, whether you’re listening or not.

– There is no substitute for Date Night; no matter how good your Netflix subscription is or what game is on TV.

*This article has been approved by HRH, my wife, the Love Queen.

 

The Spirit of ’13

The Spirit of 13

The Spirit of 13

     2013 should, if we’'re to follow superstition, be the unluckiest year in
the calendar. Americans have this superstitious thing about the number
thirteen. Ok. Maybe it'’s not an easy number to live with. You can'’t multiply
anything by anything and get thirteen. It’'s clearly not a number that most 
Americans want to get in bed with (there are no thirteenth floors in most hotels).

     On the other hand, of all the numbers in the world, American’s should
be absolutely bowing down to the number thirteen.  They should have special
holidays on the thirteenth of each month, wear thirteen-leaf clovers in
their lapels and spend the day with three extra prosthetic fingers and toes
trying to grasp the meaning of life.   That would, in fact, be more
productive than trying to understand what makes Lindsay Lohan tick.

     I submit to you that Americans don’'t know how to appreciate any more
(unless it’s capital). Maybe if they honored what they THINK is difficult,
they  would learn to appreciate what they have just a little bit more. Not
be just vaunting ambition that o’'erleaps the American Dream and falls on the
other side.
     Let'’s start with poor, discriminated against, abused and neglected
thirteen. I mean, how in the Audie Murphy hell did thirteen wayward colonies
rebel, fight and beat the mighty British empire?  We became thirteen
original states, against all odds creating a way of government that lasted a
good long time before it merged with Wal-Mart.

     You want to understand bad luck? Follow Lindsay, the mistress of bad
causes. Good luck? Stick with thirteen. How about the fact that there are
thirteen full moons every year! Thirteen diamonds on a rattlesnake’'s back!
Thirteen cards in a suit. And four times thirteen is that magic number
fifty-two!  Oh my god, it'’s the natural cycle of things—--fifty-two weeks in a
year, fifty-two stages of boddhisatva practice, fifty-two cards in a deck,
fifty-two men on a dead man’'s chest. Need I go on?

     Artist Archibald MacNeal Willard made a painting in 1875 commemorating
U.S. independence called the Spirit of ’'76. It should have been called the
Spirit of '’13. Willard fought on the Union side in the bloody carnage that
was the American Civil War. He endured locusts, gunfire, and bad medical
advice so that he could paint scenes from the war.  Inspired by a parade he
saw, he used his own father for the model of a white haired man leading a
spirited march in the center of the painting. There'’s a little drummer boy
to his right, direct from playing a one-night engagement for the baby Jesus,
and a man to his left playing the fife. Painted one year before this country's
centennial where it was displayed, it reflects an American can-do,
tough-it-out, soldier-on, never-say-die, pioneering, hang-in-there,
grin-and-bear-it spirit.

     I'’m telling you, you don'’t need a drum and fife to lead the parade. You
have thirteen.  No one should spend this precious year waiting for Godot or
for Congress to pass a bill. No one. The Spirit of ‘'13 is you change it.
Stop waiting around for the ball to drop. Like the “ball” could unleash your
potential. Are you kidding? It’'s a TV show gimmick!

     So pick up your recycled spackle bucket and some chop sticks and fall
in. Others will join you and the Spirit of ‘'13 will live. Pretty soon Rush
Limbaugh will be marching and Jackie Evancho. You can bend your Spirit
towards Rush and believe that the world is a dolby loud preview of coming
attractions of The End of The World, The Movie, with Arnold Schwartzenegger
as a hero with an uzi and scenes of wreckage and destruction from the minds
of adult screenwriters who miss their Tonka trucks, or you could sing opera
with Jackie. Your choice.

     The key is, keep marching. And 2013 will turn out just the way you
thought it would, 365 days later, based on that choice! It will shine like
the finest aria if you put your heart into it like a 13 year-old opera
singer, or it will go to “hell in a handbasket” as my father used to say in
his declining years, and nothing will be right. Your choice.

     It’'s the Spirit of '’13 and you lead the parade.