Intelligent Design

vectorstock_1694557Intelligent Design

My SmartAlarm woke me at 5:51am this morning and brought my SmartPants on a hangar. I was barely awake but ascertained that my SmartZipper still worked. I had not rusted it the night before by peeing backwards as I had previously feared. You must exist.

My SmartComb has a virus so I just ran my hands through my hair and looked fairly decent. Had a SmartDrink and a banana. Thank God (just kidding, I don’t even know your real name, but for now I’ll call you ‘God’). I recharged my SmartNapkin, but it was so buzzed it wiped two moles and an eyebrow completely off my face along with the remnants of breakfast.

Took out my iPhone and called iOwa. Mom answered. “It sure is a beautiful morning son, what are you up to,” she kvelled.  “Mom. Mom,” I said to her, holding my bleeding eyebrow, “do you have to talk so loud. It’s early.”

“Well, Mr. New York smartypants, excuse me. I just wondered if it was as nice there as it is here?”

“No. No. There! Are you happy? It will never be as nice here, because our IQ is too high!” I hung up depressed. True or not, there was no reason to yell at mom.

I tried the SmartApp on my iPhone. It told me that Creationism is not a verb. Hmmm. Am I missing something here?

That SmartDrink went right through me. Had a whiz. Got hungry and munched on SmartFood. Somehow, I felt a bit smarter. Take that Darwin!

Hit the streets in my SmartCar and ran one of those red lights that takes your picture if you go through it. Ouch. I may get a summons, but that’s okay; some summonses aren’t as smart as they think they are. Today neither am I.

In fact, I am daily haunted by the miserable fact of my own stupidity. Surrounded by things and people much more intelligent than myself (some of them carrying designer bags), I either bang my iPad repeatedly against my head or take photos. Neither of these activities seems particularly smart to me. Which only makes it worse.

The Buddha said that knowledge has its limits. And at the limits of knowledge, faith is wisdom.

I figure if I could just come up with good shit like this, people would think I’m smart too.

“English is not a language for suckers, nor is it a nocturnal biped.” How does that sound?

How about…

“Facts are just words that simulate meaning.”

Does that sound like something a smart person would say? How about a New Yorker?

My SmartPhone says You exist, You’d just rather be anonymous for awhile. Hey, welcome to New York.

Is that true? Are you more than a fourth generation computer chip? Sometimes I wonder which is smarter, my SmartPhone or a block of wood. This block of wood tells me he knows Your heart, but my SmartPhone thinks You’re Penelope Cruz and gives me stock closings. Is that a sign?

If this SmartCar were smart enough it would drive me where I need to go. But I don’t know where I need to go and neither does it. I bet God’s SmartCar would know. I bet, all things being considered, God’s SmartCar is smarter than most by design.

I just wish I could design my way out of this hole I’m in, but I’m not smart enough. I’m thinking of buying one of those SmartShovels though.

Whenever I am dating someone, my Mom asks, “Are they smart.” And I always say, “Yes Mom, smart enough to date me.” She always laughs and says, “Son! You know what I mean. Do they have brains?”

For someone who loves Jesus she sure is enamored of people with brains. You never see pictures of Jesus with brains. What you always see is this gross, anatomically correct heart busting out of His chest.

“See Mom,” I want to say. “It’s not about brains. It’s about heart. And my aorta looks just like His!”

At any rate, I’m at the mall now. My mother always wanted me to be a smart shopper and I’m putting my money on the Best Buy Blowout SmartSale. I hope I’m the first one in line. It sure is cold. Do you think it’s smart to stand out here with two people dressed as Eskimos just to be the first one to get into the store when it opens in three hours to buy a Smart TV?

Smart money’s on the Eskimos. My Smart app tells me there is only one wide screen Smart TV inside this store for the advertised price of $200 once the doors open. I’m going to have to either admit defeat or kill some Eskimos…or worst of all…share. But they seem like such nice Eskimos. And frankly, the stress of being smart has just about made me catatonic. Besides, they probably own aortas just like me and Jesus.

We could cut the SmartTV into three equal parts, or each take it for a week and then unplug it and give it to the next guy for the next week, but I don’t know how smart that is, or move in together…but then we’d have to agree on watching the same programs which could be tough.

I just don’t have the brains to figure this out; I wish I had more smarts, I wish I had gone to MIT, I wish I knew how to do logarithms, I wish Einstein liked greasy sliders as much as I do, I wish I had an IOU from Sergey Brin.

According to People Magazine, JP Morgan Chase, and the Constitution the world was created in one day–the day you were born. And it’s gonna die the same way.

On the day I was born the world was pretty near perfect because whether my Smart car has a GPS or not, God’s does. And like so many Americans, though God and I don’t always see eye to eye, I have this feeling that some day we’ll be traveling together. Probably after I’ve finished filming this major motion picture I’m starring in with Johnny Depp.

And when we do, He’ll lay it all out for me. He’ll point out the stars and other great places I’ve never been to and I’ll show him the mousetraps. And we’ll eat a box of Animal Crackers together, bite off the heads, and feel really superior and all.

And then it’ll be okay, because we won’t have to be so goddamned smart. We’ll just be. And that’s when he’ll share His secret with me:

He’s intelligent by God. I’m intelligent by design.

Apps for 2014

vectorstock_920968Since apps have become the spiritual gum of the universe, I feel it’s time for app designers to dig a little deeper in 2014. Let’s get beneath the surface of the video game and website rehashes we’re used to, and speak to some deep-seated human needs. Here are my choices for apps we will need in 2014.

Zip it Up  – Senses that your fly is down and notifies you in a discreet way by playing “Fly Me to the Moon” quietly on your iPhone.

Politi-Zip  – For male politicians who might have been good men if they could just keep their zippers up. Automatically locks your zipper in the up/closed position when a woman who is not your wife, with clothing covering less than 75% of her body comes in a radius of ten feet. Plays “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” quietly on your iPhone to keep you amused until the danger passes.

Napp – Throws up a sound screen of comforting white noise around you wherever you are, so you can take a nap.

Block that Tune – Turns any melody that’s been circling your brain more than five times an hour into dandruff. (App comes with year’s supply of Head and Shoulders to wash the offending melodies/dandruff away)

ZeitgApp – A rose-colored app that closes the gap between you and your daily negative societal influences. ZeitgApp searches for negativity in your universe and cuts it down to size. Comes with actual rose-colored 3D glasses for all media so what you experience is kinder, gentler and more value creative. Puts Miley’s tongue back in her mouth, turns to cranberry juice all bloody melodramas–mob, drug and otherwise. Your mother has been declared a terrorist organization? Just flip on ZeitgApp and she’s baking brownies.

Paranoid Goide – Tells you the name and Facebook page of the man who’s following you. If no one is following you, makes someone up so you can prove to friends that you’re not paranoid.

Shapeshifter Timedrifter – Fulfill your need to be anyone at any time. Is an Aztec Warrior in 1441 happier than you or not? Now you can find out.

Mea Culp App –  Your iPhone says “You’re an asshole” in seven different languages when you feel you’ve done something stupid and your friends are afraid to tell you what it is.

Bad Cop App – Sends anonymous detailed e-mails to your enemies about exactly how screwed up they are so you can play the good cop and tell them it’s not so.

Carbon Footprint App – Uses sophisticated formula linked to a logarithm, linked to your car’s ignition, linked to your pulse. Estimates just how much damage you are doing to the planet at any one moment, instantly turns off any offending polluters under your control and shames you to your friends on Facebook.

Screw it App – Turns off Carbon Footprint App.

Beggar Beware – charts a route for you through the city which successfully skirts all locations where beggars are at work.

Beggar Where? – For the more compassionate, this app locates the beggars on your route and calculates how much money you’ll need if you are walking from Grand Central Station to Union Square, for instance, and you give $1 to each one.

Excuse Syndrome App – Makes any excuse you need to make for your failings into a syndrome, complete with fake records of clinical trials and medications to address the syndrome. Took the morning off to bet on the ponies and have to explain to your boss? Dial the app to MFBS (Missed my Fucking Bus Syndrome) and you’re home free.

ClapTrapApp – uninstalls every App on your iPhone and iPad and all software programs on your computer so you can start with a clean slate for 2014. Final pop-up window tells you the nearest place you can buy a pencil and notepad.

The Sock Report

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Socks are down, due to overexertion while commuting. The dark green ones that somehow go with everything brown are losing ground, victims of a cheap weave and their dollar store ipo (inexpensively produced output). While navy blue sock futures have tripled because the ones I bought at Macy’s in 1998 finally gave up the ghost. The little elastic threads woven into the socks along the top band look like the spores of a rare mushroom have taken root. The long-term forecast is dismal. Even the ones without holes in the toes look like ancient support hose for burghers in a Brueghel painting.

A merger report reveals the depth of the problem. The whole drawer looks like a singles bar at closing time. Slowing demand for the electric blue socks I bought in 2000 when the Yankees won the world series has stifled productivity of proper mergers. News of a singles riot in the Northwest corner paired gains made by couples in the South. Gay Southern socks have been making incremental progress towards their ultimate goal of equal marriage.

However, the high visibility scandal of the Santa Claus sock’s televised faux marriage with an Ann Taylor ped has hurt the cause.

Brooks Brothers hit a three year high of four pairs of socks properly put together–no holes, no frays, no runs, no semen stains, no bad behavior of any kind, except excessive bounce causing undue flatulence. Although it might have been the pate and vanilla milk shake I had for lunch.

The drawer closed down after profit taking left socks lumpy and generally uncomfortable, particularly the wool which is making me sneeze and how a sock on your foot can reach your nose on a regular basis to cause it to sneeze is anybody’s guess.

Note: Whether you’re sock or hose you’ll find your match in the Thread Bare classifieds.

Here’s a sample.
SBS (Single Black Sock) with forest green stripe down both sides seeks sole mate. Loves stretching, Woolite and long walks in loafers.
ASS (Athletic Stretch Sock) seeks Victoria’s Secret fishnet for kinky runs. No support hose need apply.
WS (Woolen Sock) with old-fashioned values (slightly worn) looking for woolen gloves to share the winter with. Ask for Spud.

 

Santa Therapy

vectorstock_1576435It has been a difficult fall for my 8 year old daughter, Penny.  She developed a crush on her new third grade teacher, the first male teacher she has ever had, and then the school district saw fit to fire him. She was moved into a classroom with none of her friends from first and second grade. And she already has a tendency to cling to us and not want to do outside things. She is excellent in dance, acrobatics, dramatics, sports, but will take no extra-curricular classes in these, perhaps because she fears looking bad, even with her best friends. We encourage her play dates, but many times she would rather play with us.

She has very strong belief systems. She believes in fairies, magic, Buddhism and people. She is a very bright girl, and sometimes we feel we need a bit of outside intervention to help give us tools to deal with her. We had thought that maybe a shrink could help us or her, but that seemed rather radical. Which is why, it being December, I turned to Santa Claus. At the very least, Santa seemed like a good, cheap substitute.  She already knows, likes and believes in Santa. What could be the harm?

When we encouraged her to write out her usual Christmas wish list, she was afraid to ask for what she really wanted–afraid she had been bad this year, acting out and unhappy. “Maybe if you told him how tough this fall has been, he would understand,” I encouraged. Perhaps I should have considered the dangers of this approach, but when we walked into the mall with our long letter to Santa and there sat the same kindly Santa we had seen for the last few years, I thought it might be worth a try.

“Don’t hold back,” I said as we waited in line. “Santa wants to know everything about how difficult it has been to be good this year.” She clutched her letter and waited patiently.

When we got to the front of the line, Santa’s helper was trained to get the child’s name and then announce that child’s arrival to Santa.  “This is Penny, Santa. You remember her. She’s come to see you again.”

“Hello Penny,” said Santa. “How have you been?”

Before she could respond, the elf said, “Look over here Penny and give us a big smile.” And the photo exchange occurred.

Then things got serious.

I stood back and gave the two their space, hoping for the best.  The expressions I saw cross Penny’s face were priceless. I have never seen her look that way. An expression of deep humility I have never seen; a slight sense of shyness in showing her heart to Santa; but also an honesty and forthrightness, something shining in her eyes that told me that this could be an important moment.

After she had received her candy cane and goodbyes were exchanged, she walked over to me and I asked her how it had gone.

“Fine,” she said, closed-mouthed.

“Did you tell him what a tough time you’re having and how you hope it won’t affect what he brings you?”

“No, I forgot,” said Penny. “You should have reminded me.”

“Did you give him your list, at least,” I asked.

“Of course, Dad,” she said disgusted. “Didn’t you see him put it in his big bag?”

“Oh yeah. I guess I did see that. That’s it then. He’s going to bring you what you want?”

“Yep!”

The session was over. Whatever secrets were shared at the North Pole would stay at the North Pole.

Penny got exactly what she wanted for Christmas. Anything less would have been a crime of conscience. She also got better in the New Year. It may have been her visit to Santa, but I know I also tried to replicate the honest exchange she’d had with him, and the obvious care and attention to detail that Santa took with her.  He seemed so patient and caring.  The next time Penny had a meltdown I thought of Santa. What would Santa do?

I know Penny is already happier this year. More confident in herself. More willing to step up to the plate. Even more willing to talk things out and make promises she can keep. I owe it to Santa. The photo I have as remembrance says it all. She sits on her fat guru’s knee, waiting to dialogue about the world. “To Penny, Best wishes for a good year, Santa.”

That Dirty Little Word – Faith

vectorstock_1143724In 1966 Time Magazine wondered aloud, on one of the most famous covers of that era, Is God Dead?  The cover article said, “Making God relevant to an increasingly secular society is a difficult task because modern science has eliminated the need for religion to explain the natural world.”

“Eliminated the need.”

I was not fully cognizant in 1966–mostly because I was 13. But I can remember the gentle arrogance–America rising to meet every challenge, even God. It could all be explained.

No wonder so many dropped acid and experimented with drugs to alter their consciousness. When someone is telling you they know everything, though your conscious mind may agree, your subconscious is being held hostage.  Then the people who “knew everything” bombed Hanoi, broke into Democratic headquarters at the Watergate Hotel, and endorsed Hostess Twinkies as a healthy snack.

I didn’t really have a religious tradition to reject. My father had already done that. I had Mad Magazine instead. It was a wonderful Bible. It was predicated on the assumption that you could make fun of everything and that there was no subject that couldn’t be made to look stupid if you drew caustic pictures of it and made snarky comments–the Cold War, politics, movies, music and musicians, Madison Avenue and TV, the government, corporate American, religion.

Satire is a form based on arrogance–we could do that better. But it usually doesn’t present the better thing we could do, it just tears down the thing we shouldn’t be doing. So ultimately, no matter how much fun it is–and it is a lot of fun, for adolescents particularly–satire exists in the world as a negative. It doesn’t construct a whole lot of value. Mad taught me that you could cover anything in graffiti and it might even, on a good day, be considered Art. I used that knowledge to tear down or simply distrust parts of the world around me that I didn’t like, but I didn’t build anything in their place. So when the time came to make my way in the world, I didn’t believe in anything, except Art.

Art became my religion. It was perfect–individual creativity, expression, the font of Man’s greatness, the pluralistic notion that anyone can do a positive act and call it Art. And then there was the consciousness of people doing Art together–the theater. While everything else was going down the toilet for me, Art and theater flourished. It explained so much. It held such force of cultural dialogue. It was everything. I still believe in its importance. Making Art and the expression of Art from one human to another is a sacred trust.

Art speaks to grand conceptual arcs. It makes us contemplate, see the world in a new perspective. But it’s not faith. And after awhile I realized that my faith in myself, was faith in myself in Art only. It didn’t work so well on sprained ankles, week-long depressions or bitchy girlfriends.

In the meantime, all the other secularists of my generation who read Mad, hungrily consumed the latest movies and television, rocked out to the incredible rock and roll of the time and other faux faith activities that fed the moment, went out to claim their due. They harnessed what they’d been taught and poured their brain power into financial, scientific, medical, legal, governmental and perhaps most revolutionary of all, technological revolutions. Revolutionary successes of the conscious mind.

Given what faith our parents had in us, and the college bills they paid, we changed the world. And we did it on the power of our rational minds. We had faith and pride in what we were doing, so we didn’t need the other kind of Faith. And, as Americans, we had carte blanche and absolute power to create the world we wanted. In fact, America was a kind of Faith.  We created a conscious, rational world based on dollars and cents and I do not have a whole lot of time to read those nagging headlines thank you very much.

Environmental degradation, global warming, suicide rates, the war on, of and for drugs. Just outside our Coca Cola consciousness was a gestating monster. Yet still, at least for left-leaning coastal types, Faith has not been an option. Faith can be bought and sold, and is, on a daily basis. Don’t you remember what it said in Mad Magazine? And don’t forget that Jim Jones thing. So we’ve done without it. Or we substitute politics and a good piece of toast.

This    won’t     do.

Let’s get back to the basics. Faith is anything you believe in that supersedes the conscious mind. This is an important definition. The smarter we get, the more we know, the more we know the more we think we know, the more we think we know the more our conscious, rational mind rules the roost and the less we need Faith and its unconscious, irrational belief systems. Then a hurricane comes along or a lightning bolt hits our Prius and we scratch our heads and say why oh why has God forsaken us. Hmmm. Our notion of God has become extremely limited.

Transcendence is something which extends beyond the limits of ordinary experience.  Travel, good music, Art, good food–things which reach beyond our conscious minds are elementarily transcendent. But Faith is transcendent by its very nature. It gets you beyond your borders. And to do that, it has to be irrationally committed to. There is a saying that your mind is like a drunken monkey. It latches onto anything and everything and tries to make conscious sense out of it. You’ve got to get beyond that drunken primate…and into your heart. Time for Faith.

Like Dumbo’s magic feather. You remember. Dumbo thinks he can only fly when he is holding his magic feather in his trunk. His belief is transcendent; out of all boundaries. He’s an elephant and he’s flying for chrissake. How more irrational can you be? When he drops his magic feather he has to face himself and he does so with his friend Timothy the mouse’s help, and successfully transcends his belief in the feather and attaches that faith to himself. He believes he can fly and so he does.

It turns out this is not a fairy tale.

Faith is a chicken and egg proposition. In this day and age, when very few spiritual tools are given us when we come into the world (except iPads) we must reinvent faith one person at a time.

But how do you make that leap?  Here’s the real problem for us secular agnostics. We have no tools to jimmy ourselves out of our conscious/rational mind except drugs, alcohol and fishing. More than anything we need to believe and yet, hard as we squeeze it our feather’s just a feather. No lift-off.

What does it take to believe? What? Given that “modern science has eliminated the need.”

How about this? Fifteen years ago a senior level engineer from Hughes Aircraft with an IQ through the roof, who had one of the first computers he’d built in the Smithsonian and had helped to put a man on the moon told me, “there was a time when we thought all knowledge was knowable. Now we realize it’s experiential. Every piece of it we learn expands the universe of things that must be learned exponentially.”

That’s it. We’ll never know everything. Tell that to technology writer George Dyson who is quoted in this month’s Atlantic Magazine as saying, “I am a technological evolutionist. I view the universe as a phase-space of things that are possible, and we’re doing a random walk among them. Eventually we are going to fill the space of everything that is possible.”  Or here’s Robert Safian, the editor of Fast Company magazine in this month’s issue. “We have advanced so far as a culture that the sophistication of today’s data and machines is dwarfing capabilities that we marveled at just a few decades ago. Yet there remains so much knowledge to unlock, so many answers still ahead.”  Despite the facts, our arrogance still thinks it can know it all.

Here’s the truth. We can’t. We’ll never know everything.

There! I said it. Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and Sergey Brin together will never know everything. Ten million Bills and Alberts and Sergies will never know everything.

I myself am not ten million Bills and Sergeys and Alberts and neither are you (and for that matter neither are Albert, Bill or Sergey) so in the most conscious and rational way I can explain it, it’s time to believe.  Why is an electron both a particle and a wave?  Because. Why does dark matter fill the universe? Because.

Buddhism has an expression, “At the end of wisdom is faith.”

You can learn as much as you want and you can put that knowledge to work but you can never know everything. You need the wisdom of Faith. Once you’ve made that leap you’re half way there.

In fact, as long as you truly believe (and that’s the hard part) you can believe in anything. It turns out that it is faith that will save the world. Not their faith, but YOUR faith. And the more centered you are, the less likely you are to put your faith in guns or peanut butter, and the more likely you are to put your faith in unconscious things that will help build your world of enlightenment.

Here’s the problem with all of this–it takes work. Like we don’t already have enough to do. And another thing. You have to overcome Mad Magazine. I have watched friends of mine go towards the light of religion, and thought, oh dear, what can they be thinking. (Of course now that I understand faith I know they weren’t thinking). And then, I watched them slowly build mental health in a way that defied my expectations. Faith.

Then I was introduced to the world of Buddhism by my future wife. In a Buddhist world, despite what Time Magazine wondered in 1966, God can’t die unless the whole world is wiped out because you are God and so is that annoying fly. In addition, in Buddhism, when you think it’s about them, it isn’t. It’s about you.

Now even on the days I wake up faithless, I have tools. I now know enough to drag myself to the Gohonzon (an altar scroll that represents me in the universe) and chant. That seems to do it. Suddenly my ninth consciousness is cooking and the authentic me shines out, not that Mad fake that walks around looking down on people when I don’t chant.

Buddhism posits nine consciousnesses. Five senses and one brain to make sense of the input: that’s six. The seventh is your subconscious that tells us “Mom liked you best”, “Dad shouldn’t have always had that one last drink”, and “you let people piss on you seven days a week because you were brought up in a shack.”  It’s the circumstances of your self ego. I call the seventh consciousness the American Consciousness because if you’re stuck in that consciousness you feel alone against the world and should probably become an entrepreneur, start a business and date some babes.

The eighth consciousness is like being a Yankees fan.  You are part of something larger…a country, an ethnic group, your extended family of ancestors and living relatives…it was there before you, and it will go on after your death.  Parents at key moments have an understanding of this.

But the ninth consciousness is above all those. It is the understanding that we are all connected…all part of the same universe…like a fish swimming in water. It’s not a place you go in some ashram. It’s right with you all the time.

Today I am sick and yet I feel like I can explode the death ray star of all obstacles with my faith. This is scary. This kind of power. I’m still human. I’m still in my body. I’m still sick. But somehow my chanting trumps doubt. It says you can’t know it all, even though some part of you thinks you can. It says trust it. Trust this. This moment. It says look at me, I’ve been waiting a very long time in the shadows while your ego danced with pot and pills and booze and free love and rapture of all immediate kinds. But the world of now is more than high, it is also wisdom. And wisdom time is now if you will listen to it. To yourself. Just be and chant and listen to yourself. You know. You just don’t know you know. All enlightenment is inside you.

I now have faith tools. I can overcome anything. These are the tools my way too literal, conscious, rational, secular, autocrat of a mind can put to use. Enlightenment is the ninth consciousness, it is inside me, and faith is not a dirty word.

The Economy is Stupid

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James Carville helped Bill Clinton to the presidency in 1992 by declaring, “It’s the Economy, stupid,” but I think it’s time to declare simply, that the Economy is stupid. A senseless, brainless thing of shreds and patches…a MacGuffin*.

I’m not talking political wisdom here, I’m talking about perfectly good human beings overcounting things like jobs, lumber and beach visits so they can feel good about themselves.

“The Economy will expand and then it will contract, and then it will go shopping at Lowe’s.”

What I want to know is whatever happened to humans? They went from free individuals to counting beans. And now all the bean-counters have the rest of us by the balls, and since bean-counters have no balls to begin with, they’re in no danger of losing them. Time for an extreme left turn.

Have you noticed that every news story out there talks about how it will affect the economy? And it is spoken with some sense of gravity. Like the Economy has a broken hip and may not survive without assisted living.

“Murders Down, Homicides Up, Key Economic Indicators a Factor”, “Parents Protest as Fed Rates Economy PG-13”, “Girl Found Mauled by Wolf at Grandma’s House, Economy Suffers.”

Is this human nature? Or Capitalism, or both? Did the Romans say, “Oh too bad the Christians are dying so fast but it sure is good for the Economy.” I hope not. I hope they had something better to do with their time. I wish we did. Because every time you’d rather talk about the Economy you’re ignoring human beings. That’s right your wonderful neighbors who you SAY you like, who you SAY if you could only get together we could solve global warming or at least picket Dunkin Donuts for better coffee. That’s right, those neighbors. Amazing how amnesia sets in when you’d rather not face your own shit. But you have no problem talking about the Economy until the cows come home and the Sherpas fall asleep.

In fact, and arrogance aside this is a truth so I hope you’re listening, it’s those same neighbors who are your salvation. How is that possible you ask? Because your positive vibes affect their positive vibes and vice versa. How could they not, they live next door! And let me tell you, vibes are vibes–they have nothing to do with the Economy. Unless you buy your neighbor a gift, which 54.9% of neighbors do in Wisconsin, thereby creating 4,200 jobs and adding 1.2 million to the local economy. But forget about the gift, it should be homemade anyway, some baked goods, or a duck tape wallet for which you need tape, exacto knives and cutting boards, creating 2,150 jobs and adding $800,000 to the local economy. Shit. Now I can’t get out of this loop. Can someone help me out of this loop? What I’m trying to say is do something for your neighbor. If they’re happy, you are more than likely to be happy. Plus they have a nicer house than you do, so maybe it’s time for a little trip to Bed Bath and Beyond…more spending, more hiring…oh shit.

Since we seem fascinated by counting things, someone tried to move our cheese. They had the bright idea to create a Happiness Index so we could all judge just how happy we are, not by dollars, but by our spot on the index. But don’t you see that if you seek for your happiness outside of yourself, what if you’re Greek? Greece is in last place! If you’re Greek and you subscribe to this index, you’re screwed! You’ve bought into Happiness Index Syndrome! Which could be worse than Economy Syndrome. (Greek pharmeceutical firms should be having a field day. Expect Drachma-zac to be a big seller.)

And if you’re from Thailand (first place), you get to look down at your unhappy fellow nations and gloat. Their Economy may suck, but they’re happy about it. See? Wasn’t that easy?

The Economy is really just one more sign that we are looking outside of ourselves. That modern philosopher Alfred Hitchcock said, “If I won’t be myself, who will?”** The story of you is one incredible, unbelievable, head-smacking yarn that starts with the Big Bang and goes right through that box of Cheezits you shouldn’t have eaten. Awesome!

So next time someone tells you to go shopping to help the Economy, tell them shopping is for losers. No stuff you could possibly buy is as transcendent as the stuff inside your beautifu soul. That’s what counts.

*Alfred Hitchcock’s term for a plot device in a story that is only important in getting the story going, but ultimately completely unimportant to the plot.

**Although he also said “The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder,” so take this with a grain of popcorn.

You May Think I’m Lying But I’m Standing

davinci1How do I look?

Pretty good right? You may think I’m lying but I’m actually standing. You would be right if you said you thought I was lying. I feel like lying sometimes I really do. Blame it on my age. But I’m actually standing. I’ll always be standing. For all intents and purposes you can pretty much consider I’ll be standing forever. Even at those times when I feel like I’m lying. Why is that you ask? Because I’m a new paradigm.

You know how sometimes you feel so bad, because you can’t give the world what it wants: the cure to cancer or unlimited food supplies or tickets to a sold out show or you somehow feel you’ve offended people because they thought they should be able to buy tickets to the sold out show (they have the money, it’s not a matter of money) or they’re hungry and you’re out of Twinkies or they have a disease that has no name so it has no cure, if they could just name it, someone could endow a hospital and in 100 years we’d have a cure, but they have no name, they just hurt and feel trapped in their own fundamental darkness; and it’s at times like these that I feel like I must be lying.  I feel like I’d rather just lie here. I feel like you might just as well all stampede right over my body. There’s a lot of angry, needy people who need something I can’t give them and so I think I’ll just lay my body down and, go ahead, break my bones, just trample me, if you think that will help you.

But then sometimes when I think I’m down, waiting for the stampede to begin, I remember Leonardo. And I feel that my trampled body, is …art.  I put my legs like this and my arms like this … hey not bad. Thanks Leonardo. And he drew me at the dawn of the Renaissance. And the Renaissance was a renaissance because mostly the zeitgeist changed. And it used to be that God was foremost in our minds, and all our painters painted pictures of God and Gods and superhuman creatures that really, they thought, ran the world. And Apollo and Venus and Zeus and everybody; and then just God (he’s got no name cause he’s the only one).

And then somehow that changed and Michaelangelo painted God touching Man’s finger and now Man was like ET, he had the power and now Man wasn’t a caveman anymore, now he was beautiful; so beautiful that Michaelangelo made love to him and Shakespeare made him in love and Man was so fucking great, it just makes you wanna cry. And so that’s how I feel most of the time. I feel like Man, I mean I feel fucking great.  But these mood swings are scary — passive/aggressive, manic/depressive, bipolar/expressive.

I mean Dostoevsky and end-of-the-world summer movies, and the newspaper headlines and the global warming and Kim Kardashian and Man sucks, Man really sucks and that’s reality. But the reality is, that reality is also what you make it and it can be a particle or a wave and you get to decide, and it can be the time you say it is or some other time, you get to decide, because the truth of the matter is that they’ve discovered, all those scientists and Buddhists and Eastern thinkers and Western spiritual types, that it’s about you. See DaVinci was right and Shakespeare and Michaelangelo and Einstien and …it’s really all about you.

But no man is an island, and so it’s like you at the center of the universe of you, but touching everybody else. No hermits, no DaVinci men by themselves. No. It’s 8 billion DaVinci men and women and children and snails and puppies and birds and bees. It’s about us, but it’s really about us. And so that’s a lot of hope. That’s very hopeful. I have hope. The real world is hopeful. As long as it’s YOUR real world not Bernie Madoff’s.

Some say the Apollo moon landing never happened, they created it in a TV studio. But my real world says it happened. Because my real world has the possibility of optimism. Where Man is fucking great. Because Einstein and his pals according to Quantum Physics say that a cat in a box you can’t see is in limbo, which contains the possibility that the cat is dead and also the possibility that the cat is alive. I get to decide if the cat in that box you can’t see is alive or dead. And in my box it’s always alive. It will always be alive.

So take that all you nay-sayers and all you people who make money by being naysayers because other people just love to go into their own dead real world and just love to watch movies about how dead the cat actually is and how frankly it’s not only dead but someone attached a little suicide bomb to its back, those people just need to grow up and become humans, real humans and decide that their world includes the word faith and the word hope.

And as soon as I can get the energy up to believe I’m still standing I will tell them all to their faces that the world they live in is small and narcissistic, with the only panorama being video games and that they have innoculated themselves against the very thing they need to nurture. They think it’s too square I guess, but I say it’s round. Round and beautiful. And they are at the center of it, like me, and they are beautiful and they don’t even know it. Why don’t they see that? The cat is not dead. Long live the cat. And I am going to tell them that. I may look like I’m lying here to you, but if you realize I’m a new paradigm, I’m THE new paradigm,  I’m actually standing.

Man Found Alive, Breathing

vectorstock_1122337Medical personnel at a Starbucks site in Northampton found a man alive and breathing. The victim was pulled from the crowded line and revived after he allegedly smelled coffee.

Starbucks Store Manager Julie Sandos was nonplussed. “It smells like a Starbucks. What did he expect? Starbucks is Starbucks.”

Northampton authorities working with the EPA and the Fire Department ascertained that the shop was well below the maximum allowable Coffee to Oxygen levels, or COUGH ratio set by Starbucks voluntarily after Congress neglected to act due to the spread of lobbyists with Mocha Beverage Coupons. Calls to Starbucks Corporate Headquarters went unanswered. At press time, a voice mail said they were out for coffee.

Minutes before the incident, witnesses testified that the man, whose name was being withheld, appeared to be inhaling on the corner of Main and Sixth, just one block North of Starbucks. Police investigators standing on the same corner  smelled nothing, although Sam’s allergies are acting up and Norbert has a cold.

“After buying gum at the drug store, I was unsure whether I had time to get a coffee before the bus came,” said the victim. “I could smell it from where I stood. When I decided to chance it, my breathing grew faster and I crossed the street.”

EMT’s at the site subjected the victim to a battery of tests and told him that if he passed he’d get a medal. When his medal mettle failed, he sued.

“Coffee has been good to me,” he said on the witness stand. “Damn good. And damn too, those who drink it. Excepting of course, licensed news media.”

Search crews are working through the night to find the cup the victim would have gotten if he’d stayed in line and save it for posterity. Critics argue posterity is purposeless and should be recycled.

Already donors have come forth and an architect has been chosen to design a Memorial Library which will be named after the victim, pending positive identification.

A Quinnipiac poll of registered voters shows overwhelming support for the library as long as it includes a working Starbucks or an Apple store preferably one that also serves donuts. Voters split on naming rights. 22% thought the Corporate name Starbucks should not be in the title, 10% thought the name should honor long lines through history and those who have waited in them, and 45% wanted glazed with sprinkles.

A prison term is possible.

These Aren’t My Pants

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They’re browner. And they don’t really reach my shoe tops. When I go like this, they do. But I’m not going to go like that all day. My posture is bad enough as it is.

It’s too bad because it’s late. I’m already at the bus stop and the bus is coming. Walk home to change pants at this point and my whole day is off. But then, so are these pants.

They’re a little tighter. The only brown belt I have goes one extra hole. They flare like a pair of pants I used to have that I never wore. They looked and felt great until you got out into the sunlight and you realized just how shit-colored they actually were. They needed just the right kind of anti-shit-colored shirt. And frankly, no such thing exists. So they hung in the closet and once in awhile in a blind grab I’d put them on by mistake and then stand there in the mirror wincing. Too shit colored.

But these aren’t those. These have a nice sheeny brown to them that I’ve never seen before. They wear nice, they’re just a touch short. Worse, they’re not mine. They are no doubt the product of reverse thievery. People I don’t know breaking into my house to hang pants in my closet.

Did I grow two inches overnight?

I may have simply reached that time of life my Uncle did. He’d see a great sale on coats and find this incredible full-length camel’s hair winter coat for half price just his size and run up to the cashier with that certain light in his eyes–can’t believe your luck!–that kind of light. And he’d purchase it at a great discount and take it home to hang it in his closet for next winter and discover that there were two exact replicas of that same camel’s hair coat, unworn and just bought from previous years, hanging there waiting for him to wear them. Or for the California winter to reach freezing. That’s the worse part, I think.  He grew up in Chicago but had lived in LA for 30 years. Maybe one day a year on a cold day he could wear a camel’s hair coat.

My mother was the opposite. She became a schlump in her old age. She had been a very handsome and well-dressed middle-aged lady, but she just got bored with it all–the stockings, the shoes (her collection rivaled Imelda Marcos’), the sleek dresses. She had a great figure ’til the day she died when it shrunk a little. But she reached an age where she just couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I think there was a freedom of sorts in this. The rules of ladyhood just didn’t apply to her anymore. For us though, it was a little disconcerting. One day, she went from Chanel to ripped jeans. Like that.

For me the rules still apply. I like getting dressed, looking nice at work. I don’t do it for others, I do it for me. I like picking a tie, a shirt, a pair of pants, socks, a sport coat. I like putting them all together until they make something of me. And that’s exactly the process I followed today, but these aren’t my pants.

I know what you’re thinking. Either this guy is crackers, why am I reading this, or this is too close to home I’d better check the tag on my underwear they’re feeling tight.

But wearing these pants feels wrong. I didn’t buy them, I’ve never seen them, I don’t know how they got in my closet. I’d never wear trousers without pleats. These are pleat-less. And there’s something yellow in my tan shoes that just doesn’t jibe with these bluish-brown pants. It feels like I’m in a clown show. Floppy shoes, a big polka dot tie. I might as well paint my face.

Every day is different they say. You’re never exactly the same person from day to day. But today’s me is wearing stupid pants.

So clearly, today’s me is just going to have to suck it up. Stay away from mirrors and reflective store windows and forget about the pants. It’s not about the pants. The day it becomes about the pants, you’re in trouble. No deep problem can get solved with pants. But geez these are ugly. They hang on me like a jib sail in the horse latitudes.

Look. I’m older now. I know the secret of hats. When I was younger I could never wear hats. Because I was always looking in the mirror, waiting for the hat to become cool on my head. It never did. So if it couldn’t become cool on my head in the mirror, I couldn’t make it become cool as I walked around town.

Now I know. The point of a cool hat is the jaunt. It’s spirit. It’s faith. It’s not “Am I cool?” as you walk the streets. It’s “Aren’t I cool. I am so effing cool. I define cool. Look at me.”

So that’s what I have to do with these pants. Pathetic choice that they are. Eschew mirrors. Believe in cool. Walk with a spring in my step like I’m fucking Donald Trump. And dare anyone to call them ugly. They’re not. They’re beautiful. Beautiful short brown pants without all those horrible pleats. I’m gorgeous. You don’t have to tell me how good I look. I know it. I own it. John Gielgud. Laurence Olivier…

But these aren’t my pants.

All You Need is Love*

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Looking back after sixteen years of marriage to the same woman, I see now that love has gotten me to where I am today. I am a much stronger man than I was before, because of love—love-the word, love-the feeling, love-the idea, love-the romantic notion…love is the Styrofoam peanut of our existence. Without it the contents of our independent lives would bang together mercilessly. With it we are well-packed.

Clearly I am not the man I was a decade and a half ago. We use less words and we mean more, my spouse and I. We choose our words wisely so as not to push the other’s buttons involuntarily.  The Eskimos may have had hundreds of variations for the word ‘snow’. We’re the opposite. We have one word and we paste it everywhere. ‘Love’ is the common denominator.

“I love you.” (Translation: You have meaning for me, even if I don’t always love you.)

“I love YOU.” (Translation: I rarely love you, but thanks for being nice to me. So few are. I’m glad there’s someone who has to be or else.)

*                                                            *                                                       *

“Thank you for making my lunch this morning. I love that you stick notes in my sandwiches with toothpicks.” (But I don’t always get what they mean. For instance yesterday you punctured my bologna with “Consider alternate route”.)

“I love writing you notes that you don’t read until you’re at work.” (I’m watching you, pal. Don’t even think of looking twice at that new intern. I know you too well.)

*                                                            *                                                      *

“I love you.” (Thank you for taking the dog out.)

“I love YOU.” (It wasn’t my turn, but I respect the fact that whenever he has diarrhea, it’s automatically my turn.)

“You’re the best.” (Please wash your hands.)

*                                                            *                                                    *

“You’re the best.” (I’m glad we both work, because sometimes it’s easier to be in love with you from 30 miles distance than it is in person.)

“Thanks honey, you too.” (I agree. Sometimes when we’re home together, I’d prefer to get on the phone with you, because at least then you carry on one conversation instead of ignoring me in favor of tablecloths.)

“Can I get you breakfast?” (The table cloths are always dirty because you eat breakfast on them and have not yet figured out how to pour your milk without spilling it.)

“Thanks. I’d love some.” (That’s our seven-year-old, I pour milk perfectly well, thank you very much. Do you ever just break down and actually wash the damn thing?)

“Don’t give me that look.”

(Fuck you.)

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“You look cute today.” (Is there sex in our future?)

“Thanks hon.” (Do you have your kneed pads?)

“I like your hair.” (I strained my left knee, could we try the bed for once?)

“Sure, thanks. You’re sweet.” (If  you make the bed first, get me a towel, find my pajamas, light a candle, warm the massage oil, put some music on, feed the dog, put the kids to sleep, help me print this out, fix my website and put insulation tape on the windows first.)

“I’ll be right back.”

*                                                             *                                                        *

“You’re my lover.” (I like what you do.)

“You’re my woman. We were meant to be. (No one else would put up with your shit.)

“Sweetheart.” (That’s funny, I was thinking the same thing.)

“Your smile turns me on.”

“You’re the single most important person in my life.” (Despite the fact that I don’t always love you.)

*                                                           *                                                         *

It is daily work simply understanding each other using so few words but somehow we’ve accomplished it. When nerves are unraveling we slap a sloppy coat of love on them and they ravel back up.

In addition to using love peanuts to pack away our problems, we’re currently deep at work on the cardboard box itself.  One of the biggest surprises of our marriage is that the great 70s philosopher Billy Joel was right. He said, “Blame it all on yourself, ’cause she’s always a woman to me.” This is truth.

We used to have enough cardboard construction between the two of us to start a small moving company. Now we have managed to lessen the number of walls we put up between us, down to one. Ourselves.  We used to encounter it constantly and think smugly, “Oh my God, what a jerk he/she is.” The Blame Game was simply too much fun and too easy to play.  Ahhhhh, there were some great blames in the old days. Record blames. Infamous blames. Blames of note. Not any more. Counter-intuitive though it might be, it turns out that what I see in her actually are MY shortcomings, and vice-versa.

Now when we come up against it, though it SEEMS to be the other person, we recognize it as our own karmic wall shaped EXACTLY like our spouse. Our response therefore has also changed. We no longer run at it fiercely with spears, throw bodies against it in a smack-down, or even, frankly, scale it. Sometimes we still run away screaming, but then with the full knowledge of 16 years of marriage, we creep back coweringly; wonderingly –“Could that really be me? It sure looks like her.”

And yet, as we look at the sorry state of some of the marriages around us, so many spouses are either still running head-long at a wall they think is the other person, or have not yet been able to develop our “crawl-back” ability. No wonder. It’s downright humiliating. Where divorce is rampant, perhaps we should consider ourselves lucky. On the other hand, those couples don’t have to wear knee pads 24/7.

The frisson of marriage is not acceptance of who she is, it’s acceptance of who you are. Once that’s done, Rumi is right, “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Our marriage is safe in a sturdy brown box with lots of bubble wrap for joy, peanuts for love, stamped, certified and addressed to the future. And here are the packing instructions…

– When she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, turn the mattress over.

– Never engage in a conversation that she begins with “You should…” (Simply smile and nod and make yourself a nice ham sandwich, you’ll need it.)

– Eschew prepared statements. Better to sincerely open your heart and just talk to her.

– Don’t cry. You’re supposed to be the strong one.

– Don’t whine, you’re not ten anymore. (Unless of course whining still works in which case, whine away, they deserve it.)

– Never let  a computer come between you and your spouse.  All computers are mirrors of human inadequacy. If we were meant to be that logical, we wouldn’t drink beer.

– Learn to listen, whether you’re listening or not.

– There is no substitute for Date Night; no matter how good your Netflix subscription is or what game is on TV.

*This article has been approved by HRH, my wife, the Love Queen.