Rules for Parents of a 13 Year Old

IMG_0472– Tell them to spend more time on their iPhone. It is teacher, friend, recreation director, novelist, film maker, shopping outlet.

– Do not speak to them until spoken to. They have much on their minds and running in their veins, don’t ruin their concentration. They’ll tell you when it’s time to speak.

– Give them the keys to the city. Make sure you open charge accounts for them at Starbucks, Forever 21, the joke shop and every store in the mall, that they can use to get whatever their heart’s desire.

– Give them the keys to the house. Two locks for their bedroom to ensure security for their valuable things, the key to the liquor cabinet in case they’d like to try new things, keys to all the doors, passwords to all your websites and accounts, especially Netflix.

-When they’re bored and ask what to do, tell them to play more video games and try to beat their past records.

– Let them win at tennis, bowling, Parcheesi, ping-pong.

If you do all these steps religiously, you will be GUARANTEED an arrogant, unfeeling and egotistical young American adult, who sucks value from the world like a weasel sucks eggs.

How to Embarrass Your 13 Year Old

Embarrassment is of the utmost importance for your 13 year old; as important as the right kind of diet and plenty of television.

– Turn off Rihanna on the radio and sing Barry Manilow tunes, preferably off-key.

– Drive them to Birthday parties and instead of just dropping them off outside, go in and say hello to the parents.

– Tell visiting family relations they are a cello prodigy and ask them to play a tune.

– Talk to their coach about why they were benched during the entire soccer game for just asking to play defense in a game they lost 9 – 0.

– Say hello to their friends when you meet them on the street and then make sure and go home and tell your 13 year old that you met their friends on the street

– Speak.

– Offer advice.

– Be.

-Ask them if they need help with their homework.

– Be yourself in public and private

You think I’m’ joking?

Conversation with a 13 year old

Me: Let’s go to the Street fair!

13: I’m going with a friend.

Me: Oh, who?

13: I haven’t set it up yet.

Me: Oh I see. And you don’t know who yet?

13: I’m setting it up.

Me: We used to have such fun at the street fairs. Would you rather go bowling?

13: Be inside on this nice day?

Me: Ok, how about a hike or a bike ride?

13: I have to be honest with you, that doesn’t sound so interesting.

Me: So basically anything to do with your parents is wrong for a 13 year old to do.

13: I’m almost 14.

Me: You’re not. You’re not even 13 and 1/2. Don’t grow up too fast. Are you sure you don’t want to go to the street fair?

13: Sure, I’m sure.

Me: Well then, Mom and I are going by ourselves.

13: Well, can you go later when me and my friend aren’t there?

Me: It’s a huge street fair! There are thousands of people there!

13: Well, just in case, don’t go ’til later, after we’re through.

Facebook Apology

StarbucksJust a note of apology to my Facebook Friends.

I’m sorry.

That Starbucks Coffee I took a photo of with my phone and told you I was enjoying a nice cup in La Jolla, California? It wasn’t true. I was at a truck stop on Interstate 80 in South Bend, Indiana. And I poured the 3 Beans Coffee I got there into an old Starbucks cup I had in the car to make it look like i was enjoying Starbucks. I’ve never been to La Jolla but it sounded jolly, like I might laugh if I was there, and be more myself, whoever that is.

And while I’m being honest I never went to Brazil.

Those photos of me and my children with blooming rain forest flowers were taken at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx because we got a coupon for half off on Goldstar and it was closer and much cheaper than Brazil. For a minute though, it felt like we were there.

Right now the children and I are staying at my mother’s in South Bend. So those pictures of Larry and I being happy at the lake, including the selfie of he and I with the spatula, are from a much earlier time. I just re-posted them because I thought it might revive the love between us. You know, remind us of all we’d done. But I haven’t seen the bastard and his bitch in six months, and the picture I really want to post is the look on his face when I serve him papers.

To come clean, my name isn’t Sue, it’s Su-La-Twa and I’ve decided to stop wearing the make-up that makes me look like a young WASP from Indiana and embrace my roots. That includes no more Clairol Nice n’ Easy.

Some of my High School Friends, particularly, may be surprised I am coming clean, but I thought it best to set the record straight. I never went to Central High as my Facebook profile claims, but spent four years with an AK47 at my side in the swamps of Nigeria while my doppelgänger Sue went to Homecoming. Sue has been erased now. Although for old time’s sake I have decided not to delete her pictures from my timeline.

As you scroll through the life I led as a double agent, know that I loved Indiana, my children and the rest of my cover and wish I could still be shopping at Sears for slippers in the University Park Mall in Mishawaka. By the way Lucy, I still owe you $20 for the smoothies, and given that this is truth telling time, I doubt you’ll ever see it. I have more important debts now. My debt to my newly revealed name, my debt to my country (not sure which one, because I emigrated when I was still a zygote, but I can tell you with all honesty that it was not the US), my debt to my people – the ones who live in that country whatever it is, and my debt to Caitlin Jenner.

I hope to be a man one day soon.

If you like the new me, Friend me.  I will understand if my sudden honesty has turned you against me for all the years of lying on Facebook I have done. As a role model, I encourage all of you, my Facebook Few, to tell the truth and never use Revlon to cover up who you really are.

So click ‘Like’ dammit. What are you waiting for!! I did this for you. The you who ‘Likes’ me. Do you think I would do this on my own? No! I did it to get your attention. I’m pretty fucking Friendless here. I have few Facebook friends to begin with. I figured if I change my sex, release NSA documents, and get a tattoo I would at least get more ‘Likes’. Some people have a pet chicken, I have Facebook. So click the damn Like icon and we’ll call it a day.

Thank you.

PS. Friend me!

PSS. If you Friend me, Like me!!

PSSS. If you Friend and Like me, marry me. I need help and Caitlin says she’s not interested.

Man Found Alive, Breathing

vectorstock_1122337Medical personnel at a Starbucks site in Northampton found a man alive and breathing. The victim was pulled from the crowded line and revived after he allegedly smelled coffee.

Starbucks Store Manager Julie Sandos was nonplussed. “It smells like a Starbucks. What did he expect? Starbucks is Starbucks.”

Northampton authorities working with the EPA and the Fire Department ascertained that the shop was well below the maximum allowable Coffee to Oxygen levels, or COUGH ratio set by Starbucks voluntarily after Congress neglected to act due to the spread of lobbyists with Mocha Beverage Coupons. Calls to Starbucks Corporate Headquarters went unanswered. At press time, a voice mail said they were out for coffee.

Minutes before the incident, witnesses testified that the man, whose name was being withheld, appeared to be inhaling on the corner of Main and Sixth, just one block North of Starbucks. Police investigators standing on the same corner  smelled nothing, although Sam’s allergies are acting up and Norbert has a cold.

“After buying gum at the drug store, I was unsure whether I had time to get a coffee before the bus came,” said the victim. “I could smell it from where I stood. When I decided to chance it, my breathing grew faster and I crossed the street.”

EMT’s at the site subjected the victim to a battery of tests and told him that if he passed he’d get a medal. When his medal mettle failed, he sued.

“Coffee has been good to me,” he said on the witness stand. “Damn good. And damn too, those who drink it. Excepting of course, licensed news media.”

Search crews are working through the night to find the cup the victim would have gotten if he’d stayed in line and save it for posterity. Critics argue posterity is purposeless and should be recycled.

Already donors have come forth and an architect has been chosen to design a Memorial Library which will be named after the victim, pending positive identification.

A Quinnipiac poll of registered voters shows overwhelming support for the library as long as it includes a working Starbucks or an Apple store preferably one that also serves donuts. Voters split on naming rights. 22% thought the Corporate name Starbucks should not be in the title, 10% thought the name should honor long lines through history and those who have waited in them, and 45% wanted glazed with sprinkles.

A prison term is possible.