Facebook Apology

StarbucksJust a note of apology to my Facebook Friends.

I’m sorry.

That Starbucks Coffee I took a photo of with my phone and told you I was enjoying a nice cup in La Jolla, California? It wasn’t true. I was at a truck stop on Interstate 80 in South Bend, Indiana. And I poured the 3 Beans Coffee I got there into an old Starbucks cup I had in the car to make it look like i was enjoying Starbucks. I’ve never been to La Jolla but it sounded jolly, like I might laugh if I was there, and be more myself, whoever that is.

And while I’m being honest I never went to Brazil.

Those photos of me and my children with blooming rain forest flowers were taken at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx because we got a coupon for half off on Goldstar and it was closer and much cheaper than Brazil. For a minute though, it felt like we were there.

Right now the children and I are staying at my mother’s in South Bend. So those pictures of Larry and I being happy at the lake, including the selfie of he and I with the spatula, are from a much earlier time. I just re-posted them because I thought it might revive the love between us. You know, remind us of all we’d done. But I haven’t seen the bastard and his bitch in six months, and the picture I really want to post is the look on his face when I serve him papers.

To come clean, my name isn’t Sue, it’s Su-La-Twa and I’ve decided to stop wearing the make-up that makes me look like a young WASP from Indiana and embrace my roots. That includes no more Clairol Nice n’ Easy.

Some of my High School Friends, particularly, may be surprised I am coming clean, but I thought it best to set the record straight. I never went to Central High as my Facebook profile claims, but spent four years with an AK47 at my side in the swamps of Nigeria while my doppelgänger Sue went to Homecoming. Sue has been erased now. Although for old time’s sake I have decided not to delete her pictures from my timeline.

As you scroll through the life I led as a double agent, know that I loved Indiana, my children and the rest of my cover and wish I could still be shopping at Sears for slippers in the University Park Mall in Mishawaka. By the way Lucy, I still owe you $20 for the smoothies, and given that this is truth telling time, I doubt you’ll ever see it. I have more important debts now. My debt to my newly revealed name, my debt to my country (not sure which one, because I emigrated when I was still a zygote, but I can tell you with all honesty that it was not the US), my debt to my people – the ones who live in that country whatever it is, and my debt to Caitlin Jenner.

I hope to be a man one day soon.

If you like the new me, Friend me.  I will understand if my sudden honesty has turned you against me for all the years of lying on Facebook I have done. As a role model, I encourage all of you, my Facebook Few, to tell the truth and never use Revlon to cover up who you really are.

So click ‘Like’ dammit. What are you waiting for!! I did this for you. The you who ‘Likes’ me. Do you think I would do this on my own? No! I did it to get your attention. I’m pretty fucking Friendless here. I have few Facebook friends to begin with. I figured if I change my sex, release NSA documents, and get a tattoo I would at least get more ‘Likes’. Some people have a pet chicken, I have Facebook. So click the damn Like icon and we’ll call it a day.

Thank you.

PS. Friend me!

PSS. If you Friend me, Like me!!

PSSS. If you Friend and Like me, marry me. I need help and Caitlin says she’s not interested.

Apps for 2015

vectorstock_920968 New Year, New Apps. Well, it’s one way to think you control the world.

Habitual Light App My older European friends still behave like they live in a world with candles. Stand outside their homes at night and you can always tell which room they’re in. When they walk into a new room, they turn out the light in the old room. They have this strange, old-fashioned notion that light exists to illuminate the darkness. So this app makes you faux European. As you travel from kitchen to bedroom it automatically turns the lights out in the room you were just inhabiting. Simple, right? Go ahead, run through the house. It’s a light show all by itself. And, with the plus version you can add fans, TVs, computers, electronic meters, even plug in toys. Imagine the planetary savings, all for power you frankly aren’t really around to get the benefit of. If your chandeliers and power fans are playing to an empty room, this app is for you.

Saha App Points out negativity around you that you might have become inured to but which affects you nonetheless. For an extra $1.99, the Super Saha App points out the basic human fear behind each negativity so you can (1) ignore it if you’re a wallflower prone to depression, (2) do something about it if you are in a transformational stage and want to change your karma, (3) point it out to the source of negativity if you’re ready for a good old fashioned confrontation, or (4) pray for the negative source to change and recognize how human the fear is that the negative source is dealing with.

Anti-Saha app When you need to be entertained, and you’re willing to admit that negativity, though it is all around you, is rather entertaining, particularly in other people; turns off the Saha App so you can have a good laugh.

Seed Plant App Remember Johnny Appleseed? This app re-seeds the bottom of your shoe soles with seeds on a daily basis. That way whenever and wherever you walk, you’re greening the planet!  (Turn off app in suburban malls, movie theaters and performing arts auditoriums, car washes and for that matter in any auto at all, as it will inhibit operation of a motor vehicle. Or you could just tie your shoes on the door handles of your car as it drives and re-seed major highway shoulders and interchanges.) Climate specific seeds are perfect for your neighborhood! Choose from grass, marijuana, bird, sunflower and pomegranate.

Micro Macro This app sends a signal to your brain when your world balance tips too micro. This could be while studying any body part, or doctor’s report about a body part, looking in the mirror for longer than 60 seconds or feeling a complaint coming on. Automatically projects an image of the horse head galaxy, Milky Way (not the candy bar), Martin Luther raising his eyebrows, or other religious icon of your choice onto the Imax screen of your brain. Reminds you that the macrocosm is the Whole Earth Catalog and you are just the cat on the log (usually in mid-lake). Don’t jump to conclusions, just wait it out and watch the moon rise. Sooner or later the log will float close enough to shore so you can jump off without getting your feet wet. It just takes time. Pretty good for an app, right?

Goodbye Kiss Repeater Isn’t that goodbye kiss nearly always the sweetest? Even if you’ve been fighting, even if you’re dying to get out of the house. There’s something about the goodbye kiss that packs all the joys of the love, the parting, the bittersweet nature of life, etc. into one special moment. Don’t you wish it could go on forever? Now it can. Tap this app and any kiss can turn into a goodbye kiss. Fools you into thinking that you’re going on a long trip (maybe permanently) so that you can enjoy the moment that much more.

Facebook App No, not the one you have already. This is the new and improved one. It intuits your mood and suggests books you might want to read. In other words it’s time to face books. Remember them? Believe it or not there’s good therapy in them pages. Trouble with Mom? How about facing Joan Crawford instead? Mommy Dearest is still a pretty awesome reality check for Mom problems. This app doesn’t mess around, it gets you right to the point that will make you think your mom is Mother Teresa. Thinking of enlisting? Suddenly your Facebook app has plunged you deep into the heart, guts and sarcasm of Catch 22. Troubled by your parents divorce? Let Hamlet soothe your pain as he screams at his mother not to sleep with his uncle. Thinking about retiring? Don Quixote should put that need to rest. Want to be part of the 1%? Time to face The Great Gatsby. No matter what the personal problem or ambition, there’s a book to face that will cure it. This app is worth it’s weight in pixels.

Claptrap App Turns words you string together into something with actual meaning, no matter how inebriated you are. Go ahead, turn it on at a party and watch the reactions. You may go home newly accepted to Harvard. Click it as you read this…and it turns this blog into the Declaration of Independence.

In-the-Kingdom-of-the-Blind-the-One-Eyed-Man-is-King App Finds better glasses.

13 App When your formerly loving child is dissing relatives and giving you the finger both literally and subliminally, allows you to muster the fun and energy to be their bff, making fart jokes and bouncing soccer balls off kitchen walls until the microwave breaks. Turn on this app and it makes you think like a 13 year old. WARNING: For use ONLY by parents of 13 year olds! Dangerous in any other context!!

Worst Year Ever App Works for pessimists of all stripes. Fast forwards to next year so the worst year ever is always in the past.