Facebook Apology

StarbucksJust a note of apology to my Facebook Friends.

I’m sorry.

That Starbucks Coffee I took a photo of with my phone and told you I was enjoying a nice cup in La Jolla, California? It wasn’t true. I was at a truck stop on Interstate 80 in South Bend, Indiana. And I poured the 3 Beans Coffee I got there into an old Starbucks cup I had in the car to make it look like i was enjoying Starbucks. I’ve never been to La Jolla but it sounded jolly, like I might laugh if I was there, and be more myself, whoever that is.

And while I’m being honest I never went to Brazil.

Those photos of me and my children with blooming rain forest flowers were taken at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx because we got a coupon for half off on Goldstar and it was closer and much cheaper than Brazil. For a minute though, it felt like we were there.

Right now the children and I are staying at my mother’s in South Bend. So those pictures of Larry and I being happy at the lake, including the selfie of he and I with the spatula, are from a much earlier time. I just re-posted them because I thought it might revive the love between us. You know, remind us of all we’d done. But I haven’t seen the bastard and his bitch in six months, and the picture I really want to post is the look on his face when I serve him papers.

To come clean, my name isn’t Sue, it’s Su-La-Twa and I’ve decided to stop wearing the make-up that makes me look like a young WASP from Indiana and embrace my roots. That includes no more Clairol Nice n’ Easy.

Some of my High School Friends, particularly, may be surprised I am coming clean, but I thought it best to set the record straight. I never went to Central High as my Facebook profile claims, but spent four years with an AK47 at my side in the swamps of Nigeria while my doppelgänger Sue went to Homecoming. Sue has been erased now. Although for old time’s sake I have decided not to delete her pictures from my timeline.

As you scroll through the life I led as a double agent, know that I loved Indiana, my children and the rest of my cover and wish I could still be shopping at Sears for slippers in the University Park Mall in Mishawaka. By the way Lucy, I still owe you $20 for the smoothies, and given that this is truth telling time, I doubt you’ll ever see it. I have more important debts now. My debt to my newly revealed name, my debt to my country (not sure which one, because I emigrated when I was still a zygote, but I can tell you with all honesty that it was not the US), my debt to my people – the ones who live in that country whatever it is, and my debt to Caitlin Jenner.

I hope to be a man one day soon.

If you like the new me, Friend me.  I will understand if my sudden honesty has turned you against me for all the years of lying on Facebook I have done. As a role model, I encourage all of you, my Facebook Few, to tell the truth and never use Revlon to cover up who you really are.

So click ‘Like’ dammit. What are you waiting for!! I did this for you. The you who ‘Likes’ me. Do you think I would do this on my own? No! I did it to get your attention. I’m pretty fucking Friendless here. I have few Facebook friends to begin with. I figured if I change my sex, release NSA documents, and get a tattoo I would at least get more ‘Likes’. Some people have a pet chicken, I have Facebook. So click the damn Like icon and we’ll call it a day.

Thank you.

PS. Friend me!

PSS. If you Friend me, Like me!!

PSSS. If you Friend and Like me, marry me. I need help and Caitlin says she’s not interested.